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2001-08-13 15:01:46 (UTC)


I have 2 regrets in my life!!

1) i regret breaking up with OLLIE
2) i regret not making Ollie my first!

In case you havent realised my 1st love is OLLIE INGHAM.
Last yr/yr b4 I started going out with him. We started out
as normal people do, as friends. The funny thing is that he
liked my best mate 1st.
When we did get together, for me, it was magical. I got to
the point where if I wasnt with I'd feel really deperessed.

He nearly became my 1st (person I slept with)On 1 satday,
we spent the day at his house. We talked and we danced! I
remember at one point we were just dancing and I was
leaning my head on his chest, I felt so loved and secure!
Anyway going bk to the near sex bit. i wa tellin him that i
really liked him and he said i was stupid for liking him.
We had a huge argument and I called a bastard (the only 1)
As a way of showing him I was sorry for sayin some of the
stuff I had said I kissed him.

AS I was kissing him I suddenly felt a need to prove to him
that I loved him. I needed him. Things became
more.....intimate. I remember him kissing my neck and
rubbing my leg (G-spots) He made my lips meet him. At that
time there wasnt 2 people in that room there was just 1.

Somewhere along the line OLLIE took his top off and I
remember kissing his chest. (If i'd have ever thought
things would have ever got that far I'd have been nervous
as hell, I was nervous when I first kissed him) I also took
my top off and he was kissing me, As he went to undo my bra
his mum called. He carried on asking wot. When she asked if
we wanted something to eat, we both started laughin and it
ruined the mood. We neva got that close again!!!

As far as life 2getha it was perfect until one day. I
remember it like yesterday. I was in Rhyn Park School's (my
secondary) Library. having an IT lesson Emma Scrivener (my
then best-friend) just out of the blue said that she had
seen OLLIE in Gobowen kissin Briagh! My heart broke!! I
wanted to die, i hated that he did that to me.

When I spoke to OLLIE he swore that he hadnt kissed her. I
then spoke to his best friend (JON). and told him i didnt
think i could trust him (how could I not trust someone I
loved so much?) Jon then tried to tell Ollie this but he was in
class. Emma then went to the window and just shouted its over!

As soon as she did that I didnt feel the same. I regreted it that
very second. When I got home I rang him and told him I was sorry I
said I wanted to at least b friends I wasnt expecting him to take me
bk although secretly I wished he would. How could he though after the
way I treated him, how could I do that to him?.

We never got bk together and worse we werent friends! One day I kept
bumping into him during that day, his friend who was with him turned
round and said "F**K off, he doesnt like you anymore" that killed me
right there and then!.

As time went on I completed my GCSE's and left school. I thought I
was over him turns out I wasnt. When he came to my college on work
experience I became friends with him again. I then realised that I
still loved him and no matter what I did I wouldnt get over him. He
was at the college for 2wks and I finally began talking to him again
on the friday of the 1st wk. We acted as just normal friends until
the following Wednesday!. The 1st yr pupils (thats us) were putting
on a show called "Five Guys named MOE". He stayed and watched it,
afterwards we walked down the road to for my dad to pick us up from
the pub, he was having a lift home.

When we were there a girl I knew from college turned up. I could
straight away from the way he acted towards her that he liked her.
When she finally left I got a chance to talk to him. I got to find
out what had been happening in the last year.

I got to find out what had been happening in the last year. He's had
it rough, his best mate killed himself (NOT JON). HIs brothers been
writing suicide notes, He keeps cutting himself. His life is
fucked!!. He also told me that he doesnt know what love means to him.
Which means he didnt love me even though he told me he did. Another
big blow to my system!.

When I told him I still loved him he shouted at me and said that I
shouldnt because his life and anyone in it "shatters". I told him
that everything he did affected me and I think I upset him. He just
wants to be friends (he says) but I cant help but think he doesnt
just want to be friends. Its the way he acts.

I had been asked to arrange a show but the thing was, hardly anyone
was going to turn up so 2 days before I enlisted the help of OLLIE,
Jon, Dave and Vikki plus the 3 of us from College that were actually
going to go!.

During the show I decided that I needed to have another talk with
OLLIE. This 1 was a tearful one, all the stress of the show was built
up plus the fact that he was so close but I still couldnt touch him.
It really upset me, at one point I was sat backstage doing the
curtains for the other acts. A lad was singing a song by boyzone and
it made me cry!.

By the end of the night I'd managed to make my best mate think I was
going to kill myself and at the time I wanted to.

I took the sunday to realine my head and realise that OLLIE wasnt
going to like me if I kept gettin upset in front of him.

The next wk I arranged for the 6 of em (Meem, Vikki, Rach, Dave, Jon
& OLLIE) to come to my house for my party, 17th birthday. it was a
great laugh, we were trying to find out where everyones "G-Spots"
were. Mine is my neck, Vik's her lower back, Jon's is obvious, his
inner thigh. We left Dave and Rach to find each others (as they're
together) I couldnt find OLLIE's although I'm sure its his neck and
also his Back. Meem admits (NOW) that its her neck & Stomach!.
Nothing happened but I still had fun and I still like him abit.

We left it for a while until 21st July when I arranged to meet Vikki,
Meem, OLLIE and his friend Ed. We were gonna meet Steph later when
she finished work. I thought Ed was nice so did Meem. It started to
rain so we went to the pub where I told OLLIE I didnt like him
anymore. He looked really hurt, I just carried on as normal and he
got really flirty, even Stpeh noticed when she got there.

We then went nxt door to another pub. Steph got "cosy" with Ed (awww
bless) As the night went on OLLIE became more flirty. I noticed a lad
staring at me and it was freaking me out so I told OLLIE & he said to
make it look like we were together. So we started kissing and being
really flirty towards each other. (I didnt see a problem with this
cos we'd always been flirty and kissy, we were good friends)

Then the lad stopped staring but OLLIE carried on. I didnt mind too
much cos I still slightly liked him. I moved so that my back was
towards the lad so I wouldnt even see him. I tried to ignore OLLIE
but he kept rubbing my leg (which gets me abit) then he was touching
my neck, I still ignored him, then he kissed it which I just couldnt
ignore, I could feel myself shaking from it. He asked should he do it
again. and I said "NO" which led him to say everytime he tries to do
something I stop him which is why I never found out if his kissing
style had changed since we'd been together. So I said fine lats find
out and got up and kissed him. Lets say he had changed and for the
better, I was still shaking 10 mins after which which scared me!.

He carried on trying to excite/annoy me but in the end I told him to
stop it. From then on, he gave me the cold shoulder and hardly spoke
to me!. At least now I can say I'm Over him.



Wednesday 25th July!.