Where better to begin than at the start?
Well, I'm just some average guy. Nothing particularly
remarkable about me. I work a 9-5 job, watch too much TV,
listen to the same music as everyone else, in fact I doubt
it would be noticed if I never existed.
I'm sure most people feel like this when they're describing
themselves but in their hearts they know it's not true.
Again, I'm just like these people. I know really that I'm a
unique person ('unique' just like everybody else) and that
I could make a difference if I wanted to.
But right now I don't have the motivation to make a
difference. I mean, when I look at my life I don't feel
inspired to improve my situation. You see, I have a kind of
affliction. That's not really the right word but it'll do
for now. The reason I don't think affliction is the right
word is because I'm talking about my girlfriend, well,
fiance to be exact.
I love her more than life itself. I'd do absolutely
anything for her. I spend every waking moment trying to
make her happy. But all in vane. And that really gets me
When you put so much work and love into something just to
have it thrown back in your face really hurts. Actual
physical pain, not to mention the emotional strain it puts
on me. But hey, I'm still here so it can't be that bad,
When we first met I thought I'd found someone I could
really relate to, and who I just couldn't get enough of,
and couldn't get enough of me. And so it continued, we went
out as friends and then eventually I had to tell her how I
felt. Mistake? Maybe, but you'd never know unless you try,
right? And I've not tried so many times before that I
thought it was the only right thing to do. It nearly
destroied my friendship with the only person I could ever
call my friend, and I knew it would, so that's how much she
meant to me. She still does mean that much to me, else I
wouldn't be here with her, but I don't feel like she feels
the same way. I've tried asking her but I just get the most
predicable answers. "Of course I love you", "You mean the
world to me", "You're the only person Ive ever loved", and
so on and so on...
You know when you hang around with someone but
they're 'too' polite to you? They appologise for every
little thing, like knocking your elbow or moving in front
of you, when really it makes no difference to you that they
did it. And this makes you feel like they don't really look
at you like a friend. Well, that's what she's like with
me. She keeps telling me that I'm her best friend but I
know that's not true. She hates going anywhere with me, and
just says that she doesn't like the places but then as soon
as someone else asks her she's there in a second. I say
someone else, but it's always her ex.
When me and her started going out my ex kept trying to get
in contact with me to go and see her but I just said not
interested and made my choice. And my ex was perfect for
me, so that's how strong I felt for my girlfriend. Her
outlook on the other hand is that she's not interested in
him so it doesn't matter. Just don't read her diary or you
wouldn't believe that. Oh yeah, I read her diary. It was
kinda by accident. I was an online one like this and I was
just typing in a URL and it came up as one of the last
visited sites and as IE does when I pressed return on the
site I wanted it came up with the wrong one. The stuff she
had writeen hurt me beyond belief. I was so close to just
leaving or worse. I didn't know what to do. I just hope
what it said wasn't true else everything that I believe
about her is a lie, and that would kill me. When you've got
your whole picture of the person you loved pissed on like
that it nearly destroyed me. Basically it went on about how
I was a looser and did nothing for her and that all of her
ex's were incredable. Incredably thoughtfull (well, if
that's what you call beating her up), incredably smart and
dedicated to their lives, incredable in bed. Think about
the person you love most in the world and then imagine that
they hate you with a loathing. That they wished you were
dead and that they'd never met you. That they would prefer
a life of pain and abuse rather than to be with you. That's
how I felt.
I told her that I'd seen what she had written and she was
really upset. Apparently cos I had betraved her trust (by
reading something on the Internet, available for everyone
to see) but I think it was more about what she had written
and that it wasn't true. She does like to embelish the
truth to get more sympathy.
So that would be the source of my self loathing. I've tried
talking to her about it but again I'm "the love of her
life" and nothing is going on with the ex boyfriends, but
if anything she wrote is to be believed then I think I'll
top myself now.
Well, I'll leave it here for now.