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dbnsfg
2002-11-07 12:12:00 (UTC)

Fucking Stupidness Of 'Stuff'..

as my dearest readers know, i'm on my period.. which is
extremely bad news for anyone who knows me..

hormones depression anger from wankers who pretend to
give a damn but reeeeeeally dont = not very happy me

im sarcastic and sadistic and pessimistic and ignorant and
agressive and depressive and tired and boring and
repeatative.. and still people like me.. even when i rip
the shit out of them and make them feel really bad.. they
srill come crawling back.. anyone out there capable of
explaining that?.. thats not an invite to message me.. just
a retorical question..

i was all arsey with si last night.. i didnt mean to be but
i felt like shit and i couldnt sleep and i was restless and
pissed off and alone..

i always seem to tell him all my problems.. he says he
doesnt mind but i know he does.. i mean think of the shit
people say about me from just reading my diary.. he gets
one on one conversation with me.. poor sod..

i do love him.. i love him more than i ever thought i
would, or could.. and my main want right now, is him.. i
want to be with him, all the time.. i need to be with him..
and i sound so obsessed but.. he's the only reason im still
here today..

i know people say, even i myself say.. if someone wants to
end their life.. they do it.. nothing will stop them..

sometimes i cant believe how close i actually get to doing
it.. and then i think of him and how much he means to me
and it seems so wrong..

so much is pissing me off right now.. all the stuff with
the crow too.. she and alex were saying things about me in
one of the other chatrooms.. it hurt..

i know its only a chatroom, its not like its real life..
but what they were saying, what people in general say..
that have reason to and they judge me in order to reach the
conclusions.. i dont like knowing that people dont like
me.. it hurts

everything hurts and i dont know why and i dont know how to
stop it hurting and its so frustrating..

im scared of saying too much in here, encase someone sees
it and thinks im some sort of head case..

i am though.. i know i am.. i know i have issues and i know
im not 'normal' by society standards.. i dont know how to
be any different.. i dont know how to conform..

maybe i should stop.. i have a headache and i cant cope
with all the thinking.. bye




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