kellystop

Don't Read my Diary.
2002-11-07 05:38:00 (UTC)

and another

I never understood why he felt pain after. I know think I
know. But why do I know? Just cuz he got a new girlfriend
and is in love with her and so happy and I am just stuck in
the same spot. I guess I just don’t real special anymore. I
mean, I know I don’t. I guess a part of me just wanted to
believe him when he did say he would love me forever. Now
that he is gone I love him more then before. My heart
breaks when I think about him, and his happiness with her.
That one-day we talked and he was so happy to see me. I
felt so special and lovely. Now I feel like shit. I can’t
believe I allowed myself to hurt him so much. It must be
payback. But I have never felt like this before. I can’t
sleep. I can’t eat. Yesterday all I wanted to do is run
because I was so stressful. And then I dreamt about it. I
was running and I was feeling better. Running from the
world. No emotions come out when im running, just running.
Why did I fall in love? Loosing him forever just made me
break down and pathetically weep in my own self-pity. I
went to his diary and opened up a page to see what he felt
around the time I thought I was hurting him. It’s the exact
same thing I just wrote. He wrote in it, "Did I make
Someone else this hurt before and my karma is coming back
At me?" and its not. It’s me. I screwed with him and now I
AM being the one that is getting the bad karma points. It’s
my fault. Even though matt doesn’t read this anymore I just
want to tell him and I am so sorry for hurting him, and I
hurt so bad right now. He later writes on about Jason and
me. That was pathetic. He was probably just my temporary
rebound.... no one mad me feel happy like matt or Jason, it
was different with both of them. But matt was better. Cuz I
knew that it meant something. (Yeah it meant something with
Jason, but Goddamn! he makes me mad!) Everyone says the
understand my pain and how I feel. But no one can ever tell
me how to feel better. Okay.. thanks a lot.

I burst out crying when reading this,
"I miss talking to her. I miss having my blood rush
whenever I'm around her. I miss her calming, warm voice and
her sublime smile that would start my day. It’s all gone.
Now, all I can do is sneak peeks of her between classes.
And even then I can't do that."

WHY AM I SO SAD?!?! It’s been over two months!!!! he has
moved on and I BROKE UP WITH HIM!! why God?!?! did the
realizations get to me? like I was afraid of? I was afraid
I would wake up the next day and regret everything I did.
but I didn’t. and I felt so bad for pretended not to care.
it torn me up inside. and yet, im just so temporary. I am
truly happy that he moved on. but why did it just take me
so long to cry?

I just want to say with him for a day and see how special
he is, and see how special I am not. what makes it so easy
for him to see me and walk by? and why is so hard for me? I
where can I go to be in a place of total peace and harmony?
I know where, but I can’t say to you. I can’t admit it to
you stranger, my fingers, or myself. speaking pre words
with my mouth just roll out into a sleeve in my mouth and
tears in my eyes. I feel all the salt as run out. I don’t
understand where my tears are even coming from...as a flood
as come in... all I keep telling myself is remember to
breathe, and I don’t even know why anymore. shall I go
hardcore? or emo? why did he have to love me? Why did he
have to cherish me and why did I have to be so cruel?


why can't someone just kill me so i don't have to bother
with the mess.. why is it that my feelings are so perplexed
and complocated? i can't make up my Goddamn mind.


I sit in my dimly lit room ad I begin to think how nice
sleep would be. I am on sleeping pills but they arent
working as usual.
My eyes feel weak and strained. I realized that you never
feel more lonely than at 3 in the morning when you realize
about 90 percent of people are asleep. You get online and
go to chat where you discover that your the only person
your buddylist that is on. You go to a chatroom and find
guys trying to cyber and bots advertising free porn.
Why do I feel like everyone in the world was beamed up by
aliens while I was taking a piss and they somehow missed me?
I wish everyone could stay awake like me. I only know one
person that is like me and she enjoys staying up until 2 in
the morning. I am not always a lonely insomniac even though
I am right now.


I suddenly feel like my life is ending quickly and I am
wasting it.
I feel like I am trapped in a cycle. I keep repeating the
same thing everyday and it has become a bore.
I seem to find that I am running out of time to enjoy
everything in life I ever wanted to do and it dawns upon me
that i am only 15. Why do I feel like I am running out of
time in life when I am 15? Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe its a
premonition that I'm about to die. I dont know.
I wonder what life would be like if I died? It would be
exactly the same as it is now. Maybe a couple of people
will mourn for a day or two and they will go back to their
daily lives. Running their cycle.
I need to get out more often. The walls of my room are
closing in on me. I am seriously going crazy. I go to
school and come home, only to go straight to my room.
I always have this feeling that I am never going to make it
to the next day. Why? I dont know.
Wouldnt it be great if real life was like the movie logans
run. Everyone only lives until the age of 21.


I stood outside and looked up at the clouded sky knowing
that my mind was the same way.
I dont know why. I suddenly feel like what the hell am I
doing here. Many believe that God placed everyone upon the
earth with no control over their fate. The Revivalists
believed that everyone controlled their own destiny. We
control our own fate. If I choose to jump in front of a
speeding car, then that is my fate and it cannot be decided
by anyone else.
Do we have a certain purpose in life? I dont know what my
purpose in life is. Will I grow up to be someone important
or will I more likely fit into the rest of the world like a
peg in a board? If I find myself will I suddenly figure out
my purpose in life? I become lost and very confused from
this.
I only feel confused because I am still a kid.
When do I suddenly find myself? Will I find myself?
But more importantly, do I want to find myself?
Why do people search for who they really are?
Who will I discover when I find myself? People look and
look for who they really are when all they have to do is
look in a mirror.
A picture is worth a thousand words. But what the eyes see
can be deceiving.

I went to the dock and thought about unusual stuff.
I try to imagine what a utopian society would be like. I
always imagined one where people are more simple.
They dont need watches or cars instead they take their time
and walk from place to place and enjoy the beauty of the
outdoors.
People arent judged by how much money they have but rather
by their accomplishments in life. There are no wars and
crime doesnt take place. Big industry is gone which
eliminates pollution.
I imagine the world to look like Hobbiton from LOTR.
Nobody cares about what is happening on the outside world
yet what is happening in their own life and in their loved
ones.
People dont slave all day at a job they hate for money to
buy stuff they dont need in this world. Luxuries are nice
and I admit I probably couldnt live without many of them
but there are more pleasureable things to life besides
computers, TVs, and stereos. It sounds stupid but I think
that I have discovered the meaning to that phrase "the best
things in life are free". I could buy a million things that
would make me happy for but a mere moment. But family,
friendship, love, and literature are greater than anything
on this planet.
I would rather look back in 50 years and remember the time
all my friends and I went camping than to remember the time
I beat silent scope

Long ago that was me, my eyes were filled with such desire
that it hung in the air. Anyone could see it, could toy
with it. For awhile I changed, my guard went back up and
no one was allowed in. Neither friend or lover could peek
into my soul and here I am today many years later only
showing what I desire to be seen. People think they read
me like a book if only they knew that it was a book that I
was writing especially for them at least for most people.
There is an exception to this and I am finding it to be
rather... uncomfortable for me. What I think, what I feel
seems to be known but at least not at the level they could
know. However the point is that they know more than what I
am meaning to show to them. This is very concerning.


A teardrop, a single teardrop, fell from my eyes years ago
when I was at a place I am not at now. That cursed
teardrop has once again resurfaced and will not take leave
of me until its story has been told. So here I am, there
you are and before you now is the teardrop. Full of pain,
sadness, anger and unfulfilled desires. I have returned.


I am lost, spinning out of control. Nothing can stop this
downward spiral. It is my fate before me now and there is
no way to stop it. I look down at my hands. Long ago I
might have fought this but not today, not now. The desire
to fight is over, the desire for death has returned. What
does one say to those who think they care? Goodbye? They
wouldn't understand what is happening to me, how could
they. I am here... my physical body I may leave them, then
again i may not but emotionally I am drained. Nothing is
left. No reason to go on feeling. Once again I shall
stare down the sun and refuse to cry, once again I shall
bed down with the dead, once again everything will be lost
to me. I must take my leave.

Laying in bed we stared at your ceiling discussing the
things we thought to be most important in our lives but how
truly trivial they were. I realize this now. Remember
when
all that mattered to us was the fact that those around us
feared us. Fear equalled respect in our minds. Remember
when we were in his pool and you undressed me with your
eyes? I remember. I remember the way I felt when your
lips
first glanced across my mine. Such shockwaves of desire
rippled throughout me with each touch. All I cared about
was making you mine and in this I lost sight of all that
truly mattered. Our friendship. Then again were we ever
truly friends? Did you ever trust me with your life, did
you ever know what I was thinking, did you ever care enough
to know that when I called you to ask how you had tried to
kill yourself that maybe, just maybe your depressed friend
was finally going over the edge? Did the thought cross
your
mind at all? Do you remember that phone call, do you
remember what I said or how I said it or have you forgotten
that too? Forgotten like every other memory we had. I can
not forgot, my soul will not let me, my heart refuses to
let
the pain completely die down. Let it rest I say but my
emotions rise above me tearing me back down.

Its dark in here, dark and suffocating but I like it.

i feel like such a cliche of everyother teenager.

have you ever cared for someone that didnt care about you?
yes, yes you did.


i dont really know how to title poetry. funny.its suppose
to be the easiest part. its always the hardest for me, to
lable my work underneath this title. writin a time ago i
decided to post them just cuz i wrote so much more..


From the day it all started
to the day we ran away
We told each other that
everything would be OK.

I layed down at night,
looking at the stars
Hoping that the sky would
take away all my scars.

I thought it was God who would
lead me through the light.
When you led me through,
it gave me quite a fright.

Ever since then I have wanted
to die.
To jump from a building as high
as the sky.

Hoping you would catch me
to break my morbid fall.
I felt like I had lost you.
We had been through it all.

Even though we met a little
before Thanksgiving.
You seemed like the gift that
keep on giving.

After you left me on that
fate filled day
I've missed you, missed you,
in every possible way.

I know we will see
each other, again,
But sooner now
rather then.]

So here and now I take
my life.
Stab myself in the
heart with this sharp knife.

I know I'll soon see you again
in that beautiful place we
call Heaven.

People say in heaven you feel no pain
but what do you do when your heaven is taken away?
you were my hope, my happiness
my promise of tomorrow
the one person who I let into my heart
and for a while you stayed
but when you told me, 'something was missing...'
'you deserve better', you tell me, as you leave
does that clear your conscience?
do you believe you let me down gently?
my eyes close as you pass me by
no more tears, I won't let myself cry
and when you greet me, I smile
as I wonder if it was me who did something wrong
you turn to leave...I say goodbye
because I know my heaven is gone

I watch the glimmering stars with you,
as we cuddle by the ocean shore.
I feel the love as we cuddle cold,
and believe me I need you more and more.
I love you though things aren't always great.
We both have our times when we must live by fate.
I know that sometimes we both get mad.
We must love each other and not be sad.
I think about you,
but I push you away.
I don't want you to go,
I would rather you stay.
I love you, please trust me I do.
Please don't leave me now,
I truly need you.
My heart is empty without you by my side,
and when I say I'm leaving...
I don't run, I hide.
I think we'll be ok though.
Trust me when I say,
we love each other a lot
in a close, never ending way.

with my heart racing
and a last glance,
i leave you behind.

lies and deceit
mixed with pleasure,
hurt drapes over
the memories of the good,
and my heart aches.

the touch of your hands
feels like knives
against my skin,
the lips that tasted so sweet
are now venom.

i fight to free myself
but you are all around,
i'm entangled in your love.
the love you once shared
is now gone.

for a moment in time,
our love was all
that mattered to you,
but the curtains opened
and the truth appeared.
in disbelief we stared.
how could love be so cruel?

love is blind
as is the beholder.
a blind man could have seen
how much i loved you,
but he couldn't see
your love for me.
he wasn't alone,
i was blind too.

so farewell my love,
for you are gone.

In a dream I took your hand
And walked with you in a faraway land
Along the shore of an endless sea
On a summer?s eve, just you and me

Atop a rise we sat and watched
The sun slide down into a sea
Turned fiery red, then pink, then silver
As dusky night stole 'cross the water
My heart was racing, all a?flutter,
'Cause you?d laid your head upon my shoulder
I held you close and hardly dared to breathe ...

And then you laughed and took my hand
And pulled me into the darkening sea
I tried to catch you as you swam
But you eluded me, so gracefully

I knew I was lost when you pulled me close,
Lost and gone without a trace
When you whispered secrets just for me
And your breath came soft upon my face

For your smile outshone the moon on high,
And reflected in the silvery sea
Sparkling brighter than the starry sky
Your eyes were shining up at me.

this is fucking retarted...




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