punkishbuggr90

Interesting Yes...?
2002-11-07 05:14:40 (UTC)

look on life

this whole episode with charlie has made me think. it has
made me appreciate certain things in life like friends. i
have taken so much for granted and it is also making me be
more aware of what i believe and how fast i rush into
things. it has made me realize that i can live with out the
person i thought i had to live with. im opening my eyes and
seeing what else there is out there and not settleing for
the first thing that comes along.
anways,
today i went out to eat with my parents, little sister, and
my aunt rita. we went to an itallian restraunt and it was
great because i have itallian in me and it was just like a
big family renunion. we sat and talked and laughed and if u
know my family thats not something we do very often.
i do feel a little bit uncomfortable around my parents
and stuff though because i was talkin to my aunt susan
*girlfriend as we call her* and i was telling her about how
i felt depressed even more so now then i did before. i told
her about how i wanted to get back into piano and such and
she said that i should talk to my mom *my mom and i are
very close and we talk often* but this is just something
that i can't talk to my mom about because it hurts her
already knowing that i have depression and an eating
disorder. anyways, so my mom was talking to my aunt last
night on the fone and today she was all asking me about
school and who i was dating *of course i had to say no one
to that* and she was just being a mom which is something
she hasnt been often and i knew it was because of something
girlfriend said. it just is upetting to me because i feel
guilty that i didnt talk to my mom and my aunt had to for
me. oh well i guess ill just have to get over it!
im officially over charlie because i went to rachaels
house today after school and talked to him and he said he
didnt even want to be friends because he didnt want to
remember anything about me because i ruined his life and
all this stuff and he said his life is better now that im
in it and the last thing he said to me *and probably will
EVER say to me* was "im leaving and get out of my life cuz
i dont want you in it" so thats just fine with me...there
are plenty of people i can date that like me for me and
would stay friends with me after we broke up. its just hard
because i know what i did to people when we were going out
and i know that hurt several people and im sorry for that.
im going to try to change...ya know...set goals for
myself...become a better person. megan erlandson told me
that if i want to get of my meds for depression ive got to
try and be really happy and not just pretend to be JUST
because i dont like people seeing me upset. today was
fairly hard because i cried in lunch and that was horrible
because i cant stand having people know im upset. but
anyways, im going to try and become a better friend and
honest. i will keep secrets and wont lie to people. i can't
live with the guilt of lieing anyway.
thanks for letting me blow off the steam...i needed to
*lauryn*




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