Traded your worth for these scars...
2001-08-13 05:34:13 (UTC)

Tick-tock, tick-tock...I'm waiting....

Ok, I'm extremely frustrated right now, but I'm going to
attempt to write down what I'm feeling. It may not make a
whole lot of sense, but bear with me:)
Alright, I have flaws, I know it...everyone does, but there
are just some things that are a mystery for me. I mean,
there are some things that I just sit and
analyze...constantly, and it becomes such an obsession to
me. Sometimes I think I am the most pathetic loser that
ever lived. Even tho most tend to disagree with me, I still
feel like that occasionaly. I just take certain things and
I let them consume me...then I get soo mad at myself for
allowing myself to get so involved with it. I just don't
know why tho...as much as I try to change and try to start
off every new situation with a "Must be patient" attitude,
I still end up doing the same thigns that I've always done.
Making that one particular thing the focus of everything
that I do. Mindy said that maybe God is doing this for me
so that I can learn to focus on Him instead of other thigns
that are not so important, but I mean, I'm 18 years old!!
I'm young and it's sooo normal to be worried and stressed
out about things of no importance!! haha:) I know that
sounds odd, but it's very true. It's weird too cause the
older I get, and the more I see that my habits have not
changed any, the more afraid I become....afraid that my
actions will effect my future in a big way. I don't
know...this is all probably sounding like a bunch of
jibberish, but after all, I am "venting" (the definition of
which me and Matt are discussing this very minute!). I
guess I just have to patient (ahh...the magical word) and
wait...just wait...to see if things work out. I hate it
tho...I've never been a very patient person, but then
again, maybe that's why this is happening. Maybe God is
tryin to teach me how to be more patient and how to not get
so consumed with such minor things...maybe I just have bad
luck once again...who knows? I guess I'll just have to wait
and see...