Aradia Goblin Queen

Aradia's Head
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2002-11-07 02:16:06 (UTC)

studded tongue ring

ive had this thing in for nearly a week now and it s
begining to irritate the top of my mouth.
oh well just thought id share.

so its freezing in buffalo and i think im on another one of
my self pity trips.
im not too sure wot to do about it either, i was gonna
start taking all the stressful things outta my life but
then realized i need them there to keep me on my feet.

so i ll be staying on the newspaper and cont. to face the
person that i love. err loved, im not sure anymore. im
stillkinda confused as to the whole situation, but ill get
over that. hopefully soon.

i mean, i want to tell him alot still.
that i stayed at ecc for an extra year or two becuz of him.
and stayed on the paper becuz of him.
and hung around soo much becuz i kept hoping something
would happen (even if in the back of my mind i knew nothing
ever would).
hell, i wanted to get my stomach stapled becuz (at the time
whoa was i soo much heavier then now) becuz i thought if i
was thinner that he d be attracted to me.
yea, it sounds nutts but irrational things go thro ur head
when you fall that hard for someone.
and its not like i didnt try to take myself outta the
situation, i did, so many nights i claimed that i was
giving up him cold turkey. that i wasnt gonna hang out with
him or talk to him and the next day i would.

then he d swear up and down that he wasnt interested and
that helped soo much, but when he claimed he wanted to kiss
me. but i thought about it later and realized it was becuz
he was soo drunk and it wasnt me he wanted, i was just a
warm body near him.

all the tears ive cried over him. all i ever wanted was to
be with him, and now i know it ll never happen, but the
feelings, they wont go away

all i ever wanted to hear was "it ll never happen, so dont
that would have solved most of my problems towards him.

he doesnt realize that all the hostility i have towards him
is my own way with dealing. with trying to get the feelings
that i am soo frustrated with everything.

funny, i can tell random people, but ill prolly never tell
him any of this.

i ll just go on wondering, wishing, hoping and eventually i
ll move on.

but for now, im taking it day to day.