2001-08-13 00:03:18 (UTC)

I am soo confused

Wat am I gonna do? I am soo confused. As I sit here in
front of my computer screen once again I just stare into
space. I don't knoe wat I can do to make things clear for
meeh. I'm scared dat I might lose him before we even get
started. I couldn't sleep last nite basically coz of him. I
tried to get some sleep, but once I almost fall asleep I
wake up suddenly. He doesn't really knoe dat I exist except
for da fact dat i'm his cousin's fwen and all. :(
I try to erase him from my mind so dat maybe I can get over
him coz in da end I bet I won't have a chance w/ him. I do
really want to be w/ him. Wat should I do???? I think bout
him all da time and at times I think dat i'm just hurting
myself in da long run. I try to act positive towards dis
situation dat I have, but it's soo hard for meeh. I guess I
just have to be honest w/ myself and dat means admiting to
myself dat i'm sprung. I don't really knoe wat luv could be
or even mean so dats y I can't say dat i'm in luv w/ him. I
guess I would have to say for now dat i'm just crushing on
him. Totally crushing on him dat is. I can't luv him just
now coz I don't really knoe him dat well yet. So for now it
can also be known as infatuation. I try to tell my fwens
how I really feel bout him, but I can never find da exact
words to tell them. I would think dat it would be easy to
tell them, but it's not. Dats basically y I hide most of my
feelings to n/e one. So dats y I just write down how I feel
even when at times it doesn't even look rite. It won't look
rite n/e how until I even figure it out myself and can
understand it all. If only there was some way dat I can
actually get enough courage to talk to him and straighten
everything out so dat I can maybe make things easier on
meeh and then I will maybe knoe wat I can do. I want to
talk to him and I try to, but to meeh it's just soo hard. I
don't usually have a hard time talkin to ppl, but w/ him I
just get frozen. It's kinda hard for meeh to admit dis, but
I will n/e wayz. At times when I think bout him or talk
bout him to his cousin dat is a fwen of mine I cover
everything up. I don't exactly tell da whole truth to them
bout him. At times I even end up getting sad coz he means a
whole lot to meeh, but he doesn't even knoe dat. All he
knoes is dat I like him. In some way dats good for now, but
later on I will want him to knoe everything. It's just dat
i'm scared dat if he finds out everything he won't want to
have n/e thing to do w/ meeh coz he might think dat i'm
some kind of freak dat likes him. Well i'm not a freak. I
just really like and care bout him. Its been awhile since
i've liked and cared bout a person dis much. If only he
could find out everything I guess w/ out meeh having to
tell him myself so dat maybe we can talk and he could tell
meeh exactly how he feels bout all dis. But in some way I
don't want to find out coz wat if he says sumthin dat I
don't want to hear. I don't want to get hurt n/e more. I've
been hurt a lot in my life and I don't knoe if I can stand
n/e more pain especially from someone dat I really like. So
I guess for now i'm just gonna have to wait and see wat
happens. Until next time.