Bast

Idiocy
2002-11-06 04:05:47 (UTC)

Sometimes

Sometimes a person just needs to retreat within themselves
and get a better grip on the world. I've been going
through that time. I can't help but caress the spot where
my nails have dug into my flesh of late. Dance my fingers
along my arm and imagine. I don't see what you'd think or
what the doctors always thought I saw. I didn't see the
blood pouring out of my arm, out of a wound I created.
That answer always satisfied them but they never bothered
to ask what I DID see. You see the blood doesn't pour out
of a wound. It slowly begins to seep out of my skin and
make little rivers down my bod; naturally my fingers wish
to help the river break free, help it turn into the rapids
of death it wishes to be. Its never painful. It never
was. Was I a cutter, some would say yes however I prefer
the term self mutilator as I went beyond cutting. Besides
it sounds so professional don't you think? Anyways back to
the point of this entry, back to what I need to say to get
myself through this...My grip on reality has never been a
good one. I've never really had a firm hold. Ever since I
can remember I was off in my fantasy world, living a life
separate from this one. My world still exists. I still go
there from time to time but the medication adjustments were
taking it away, they turned my world into nothing. It is
slowly coming back. Now the problem is I am refusing to
leave, well apart of me is. A big part. I could go into a
list of things that are on my mind, a list of things I
miss, of people I miss, a list of friends who betrayed me,
a list of just about anything but that is only one point of
view on everything and the other one is soon to break
free. I'm swinging right now, going up and down pretty
fast. I was in a depression for a bit despite how much I
deny that I was, to me that wasn't depression it was just a
phase, others see it as depression...the question is if
they are seeing this as depression how will they react when
my depressive state of mind does hit me.... when it takes
a turn. Right now I am going to an extremem low and then
back to a sudden high. Like a rollercoaster. I have been
through this before it really is no biggie but I have to
find a way to mask it around people better. I am sick of
looks... lack of sleep makes it worse....Chef noticed
today, the only good thing about sleep is if I say I am
okay and close my eyes they stop worrying. Throw in a yawn
or two and you are golden, no sitting in the office for
me.

for everything there is a season; a time to be born and a
time to die




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