My Thoughts
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2002-11-06 03:24:41 (UTC)

Still Feeling Sorry For Myself

Well, there's been a lot going on in my life and I
can't seem to find anyone to talk to about my problems.
It's like I don't even exist.
I really miss Brad. Eventhough, we were only together
for a month (more like 2) I seriously fell in love with
him. It was weird how we got together at his cousins camp.
It really messed up our relationships with our other
friends. We started hanging out together all the time. We
couldn't get enough of eachother. He's the only thing good
that's happened to me in a long time! I was out of my
depression my doctor told me I had, all my pain from my
back and everything else went away. It was like he was an
angel sent to help me out. That's what I thought. I have
never been so happy in my life.
Of course, I started having family problems because I
wasn't home enough. But, what do you expect when you go to
school, study and want to be with the boy? I pretty much
got kicked out of my house a couple weeks ago and I spent
the night with Brad again. I thought everything was
perfect. I guess not. The man I was seriously getting more
than attatched to broke up with me. It's been over a week,
and I still can't think straight. All I think about is him
and how badly I wish he would take me back. I'm sorry but
you can't tell someone you love them and that you're happy
then dump them after a couple days of not seeing
eachother. I don't know what to do! When Brad asked me
out, I was practicall speechless because I was so happy!
He promised me he wouldn't hurt me, or cheat on me. I
believe him when he says he never cheated on me, but
nothing still makes any sense. How can another girl he was
seeing before me be staying at his house, when it should
be me? I mean he will barely talk to me. What did I do
that was so wrong??????????
I miss being held, kissed, touched, and falling asleep
in his arms. I felt so safe and I was able to escape
anything. I don't have that anymore. And it hurts like
hell to not be wanted. I've had a headache for the past
two weeks and I can't eat, can't sleep, and can't think
straight. I cry whenever I'm alone. Ok, I'm pathetic! But
I have never cared for anyone so much in my life. I begged
and begged God to let me find just one special person to
be in my life. It finally happened, and now he's gone. It
just seems like everything is always taken from me.
All I really need right now, is someone to talk to. But
my best friend is too busy for me. The only person I talk
to about this is Cheryl. I talked to Mike a little, but I
can't talk about this with him, because I've always had
some feelings for him. It's just awkward I guess. I
thought I needed to talk to Lori. I've tried and tried,
but she's never around. And when she is I can't because we
are in public and even when I think about it tears start
falling. I get so mad because she's always flirting with
any guy. I'm not the only one it annoys either. When she's
with Matt all the time it hurts so much, because it's like
I don't even have my friend anymore. She's changed so
much. It's like I don't even know her anymore and she's
someone I don't want to know. If that makes any sense at
I thought by today I would feel better. To tell you the
truth, I do feel better. But Brad tried talking to me on
MSN and everything hit me again. There's a whole in my
chest and I can't fill it back up. I'm empty inside. I
only feel better when I talk to him, but after we're
finished I feel like shit because we can't seem to work it
Anyway, back to talking. I thought since I can't talk
to anyone, I should start putting everything on here. I
don't know if anyone will read it. But as long as I can
talk. I just feel so angry all the time now. I'm not going
to school next semester. I hate Tech. I want to go back to
NMU for Art. But my parents don't think I know what I
want. So, if I go back I have to pay for everything
myself. It's so hard when I don't have any money. I need
to get out of this house! I always have a million ideas
running through my head at once. I swear I'm crazy.
People think I'm quiet. Well mainly because I've had
the hardest semester of my life. And it has nothing to do
with school. Just my life. I mean what do you expect from
me right now?! I'm emotionally stressed and I can't handle
it much longer. I need to go back to the doctors and see
what they have to say I guess.
Oh yeah, and on top of everything I've been starting to
talk to my dad and Terri through email. It's so hard. I've
treated them like shit for so long. But they deserve it.
They were never there when I needed them. They don't know
me at all. But still it's a huge load on my shoulders now
with everything else going on. I'm just so STRESSED!

Song of the week "The Safest Place" by LeAnn Rimes...