Celestial Being

Beautiful Disaster
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2001-08-12 17:03:17 (UTC)


Here we go again. I can't stop. I don't know where they
come from or how I always get so wrapped up in their
voices, the way they smile, the thought of them holding me,
having someone to think about first thing in the morning
and the last thing when I fall asleep at night. It's like
one crushes all my hopes and then amazingly enough, yet
another one appears. I have always thought I was the type
to stick my emotions out ready to finally find "the one." I
guess I am paying my pennance for that special one. I put
up with shit, I keep going along with the forces of dating.
Meeting new people, always thinking this one will be
different. I met him as spring was coming to an end. I
replied to an ad he had listed for a basement that was in
the town I would be moving to for the summer. He offered my
best friend Kelli and I a place to stay. He offered to show
us around, introduce us to his friends. He left phone
numbers and emails, wanting us to know we were welcome and
to reassure us that once we got to Denver we would not be
alone. Our plans for the summer changed and we were only in
his hometown for a mere 48 hours. We didn't call him,
didn't write. We were out of contact for over two weeks. I
thought little about him, only that I was absurdly rude for
not speaking with him. I should have called and told him we
would not be there, that we would not be anywhere close to
Denver. I was afraid he would be mad. When I returned to
this modern life, I received an email from him. He wondered
where I was, what I had been doing. I explained to him the
situation we found ourselves in and repeatedly apologized
for any inconveniece we might have caused him. He assured
me he was not mad. I continued to converse with him thru
emails and instant messages. I thought nothing of him,
didn't really know much about him. He always asked how my
day was and how my life was working out. He wanted me to
come to his birthday party. He begged with me to come. I
couldn't make the trip, partially because I didn't want to
meet him in front of all his friends and partially because
I didn't want to spend the money. As the summer progressed
I starting opening up to him. We were just friends, sharing
the daily conversation of two people that were miles apart.
I never thought of him as anyone or our relationship as
anything out of the ordinary. Yesterday I received an email
from him that said he wanted to call me. I spoke with him
briefly on the internet over instant messages. He was to
call me at midnight. He called on time and we talked for
over two hours. He is one of the nicest people I have ever
met. He wants to fly me out to Denver to spend his week of
vacation with me. He has so much to offer. I really enjoyed
his conversation. His opinions and thoughts were shared
with me and he showed a side of himself to me that I didn't
know was even there. I have never been so oblivious to
something before. I want to see him. I want to be near him.
I thought of him this morning and last night when I went to
bed. I am so anxious to be able to spend time with him. To
see where things go. I am sure I am setting myself up for
yet another heartbreak. A sad day I will soon regret. I am
not sure why I always do this to myself. Here is my toll.
My pennance for "the one."

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