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2000-11-01 18:54:22 (UTC)

Hello People, This is my first..

Hello People, This is my first ever diary and sometimes a to do
list. I am a crossaddicted Alcoholic and drug addict. I am grateful
for this because It and the program i was in and still in has slowly
helped me turn my life around. A short time ago , I committed myself
to a rehab. I was there for like 2-3 weeks. I learned and felt more
about myself then I ever have. The last couple of days are the first
in a long time that I've felt honest and could be honest. This was
mainly due to my addiction's. i've always wanted to create a diary
but could never get my emotions out. Now I can. I have so many
emotions now that I don't know how to describe them. I was masking
them with Drugs and alcohol for so long that I didn't know they
existed. I was a functioning addict/alcoholic. I worked 2 jobs in
High School, made it through 4-5 years of college, have a good job
(thank god), i'm married, all along living a double life.
Fortunately i only had to wait 15 years to hit bottom and not 30-40
like some people do. I was at bottom-emotionally, financially,
mentally, job, marriage, etc and could not take it anymore. I wanted
out. Nobody forced me this time, i did it on my own. I have a good
bit of wreckage behind me that must be cleaned up and taken care of,
but now that I am sober I want to. When I was actively using I just
wouldn't deal with it. I still might lose a great deal inmy life but
I am willing to "You get what you get because you did what you did"
and I have to deal with that! i know one thing if i pick up again
the path for me is death or back where I'm at now. i know that and
it makes sense. How could it be any different, when your an addict
you feel like shit and wish you weren't so why put myself back
through there? Death~If I were so lucky I would get a 3rd chance.
However I would have lost another day, week, month or years. I am a
bit bummed of all the time I waisted. Now I am an adult??? Even
wanting too dress like I always wanted too, I can't because i am a
white collar professional. Sounds stupid, But think about it. i
want to wear a different haircut, baggy jeans, ear ring, etc and
can't because that part of my life when i could is gone~No big deal
but for others reading this think about it. Alc/drugs covers up all
of your feelings. The people, places, things are all gone too, the
people who I thought were my friends haven't even called or when i
seen 2 of them in a convenience store didn't even say hi. i am in
the process of making new friends at my meetings, and in a short time
these people are the best peoplke i have ever met. i trust them,
talk to them, etc. My family is very large, and I haven't heard from
them since most of them used or I did something to them. I have seen
and talked to mom, she has unconditional love. My younger brother is
in recovery and we hang out lately. I can be around him since we are
both pretty mellow and non agressive people. My older brother is
pissed! He still uses and thinks that i should be back in his life
more that I wasn't when I was using. What he doesn't understand is
that I am not strong enough to be around him without wanting to use.
he says he won't give me anything and thinks he's the only one where
i can get shit, but if I didn't manipulate him I would leave there
and go somewhere else!!!My wife and older brother don't see eye to
eye, he thinks i'm kissing ass, when in reality he's really the one
thathas too! My wife loves me, I just have to rebuild her trust and
we do not have an addictive or raging relationship. He always has
something bad too say about her. I used to let it go because I had
no feelings, Now I don't, i stand up for her and myself, the other
day I was on the phone with him and he got me going, we started to
argue and my wife left while I was on the phone. I told him and hung
up. he then called back and began leaving a nasty message. I stood
up for myself and he didn't like it. When my wife returned she
through the phone on the floor and I proceeded to crush it with my
foot. Neither of us is not like that but we freaked. Several hours
later though I felt as though she knew that I would not be putting up
with his shit anymore. My whole life he has pushed me around,
physically , mentally, emotionally, etc.. As long as i'm sober i
feel like i'm not going to take shit anymore~and i'm not even trying,
it's just coming naturally. all i know is that I love my wife and
have been talking to her more lateley and deeply than i have in 2
years an tings are getting better there and i like that too. Well
thats about it for now. My goals for today are too read a little bit
in a book, take care of some yard work, and make a few calls
regarding my finances and finally attend a meeting.

I'll be back.

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