2002-11-05 05:23:42 (UTC)

i had herbal tea with no caffeine instead of coffee tonight

why is it that sometimes all i want to do is sleep and
others i just feel so fucking unproductive doing such

i dont want to go to sleep

but i am in no shape whatsoever to be awake right now

i want someone to be here
why is no one here
i dont get it
and i dont like it
and i dont like thinking
thats what i want either

why is it when im sad that i want to call people that i
never talk to anymore? its weird.

i was listening to the indigo girls a lot today.

today was a very "ghost" day.

and i wish that it wasnt.
i dont like the way it makes me feel.
but i cant stop myself sometimes.

and its bad because no matter who i hang out with
its good for awhile
and then im just like
i really dont want to be hanging out with this person

im becoming more and more antisocial

and it cant be a good thing

but, im just so disgusted by superficial drama infested
relationships with people

and its seeming more and more to me like thats all thats
left out there.

i need to move.
i need to get away from here.

but even if i do that

who is to say it would be better somewhere else?

i mean.

nothing feels real anymore and the one thing that does i
keep reminding myself not to think about not to focus on
and it sucks

i need a good hard fucking smack in the face and someone
to be like HEY HEY ashley no matter WHAT you do everything
is going to turn out okay.