Jaded

Suicide?...

Diary,

Oh, what is the fucking point of anything?? Why is
ANYONE even here? Everything is so ... bland ... Bland.
That's the only word I can commit to this feeling. Bland.
Or perhaps the word is blase. I don't know. No, that's not
quite right - I don't CARE anymore!!! And, Diary, have you
heard the cliche that money is the root of all evil? I beg
to differ! The root of all evil is the LOVE of money, the
LACK of money, and the NECCESSITY of money! These things
and not the money itself are the source of so many problems.
Ah, I'm sure you inquire about this new and unexpected
outburst, Diary. N'est-ce pas? I would that I could
EXPLAIN it! I can't, though. I don't know what I'm feeling
anymore. Except that I'm confused! I'm SICK AND TIRED of
attributing this to "being a teenager"! Everyone has
problems, NOT JUST TEENAGERS! Jesus! If you tell someone
that you feel depressed or confused, they will most likely
throw it to being a typical teen! No! I'm SORRY, okay?
But I'm NOT depressed about my boyfriend that left me or
that my friends are prettier than me or that I'm this or
that! THAT is what a typical teen is depressed about, so I
infer. I AM depressed that I'm alone - no friends, no
boyfriend. Nothing. I AM depressed that my family is a
shitty one; that my parents would be better off divorced;
that I live on the edge potential poverty; that no one
understands me or WANTS to understand me! Yes, all of that
contributes to my feeling of total isolation and
disconsolation - but it's not all! What really gets to me
is the nature of people. The SHALLOWNESS of people. The
FALSENESS of people! Everyone is putting on an elaborate
play! No one knows anyone else. We all try to put on a
different face in public and it's not fair! If you DON'T
act like the rest of the majority, then you're excluded and
never given a chance! *sigh* I'm sorry, Diary. What has
this to do with anything? Who cares if and why I'm
depressed? Who cares that sometimes it hurts to wakeup
because I know I will face only hardships? Who cares that
when school starts, I will cry myself to sleep, wishing that
there were SOMEONE who would give me a true chance? Who
cares? No one! I TRY to care, but I'm past that point now.
I don't WANT to feel emotions any more! I don't WANT to
hurt! I'm tired of it! Why won't it go away? Sometimes, I
seriously consider suicide. Sure, I don't LOOK like I'm
suicidal - not a "typical" picture - but I'm ready! What
the hell would it matter? It would probably be a BLESSING
to my family - that's one less mouth to feed! My friend
probably wouldn't care too much - she's cool, she'll make
more friends, I'm probably holding her back. No one else
would even KNOW! A few years ago, a girl in highschool was
killed by a falling tree. They held a memorial service in
the gym for her and called off a day of school so that
people could attend her funeral. If I died, they would
probably forget to put an obituary in the damned newspaper!
*sighs and cries* Well, Diary and Readers, enough burdens
for now. Adieu, mes amis - if you exist! I shall creep
stealthily back into the background of life once again,
where I alone will know my pain.
-Eryn...