jtdarkly

Mirror's Infinity
2001-01-29 04:53:52 (UTC)

I suppose I should write to..

I suppose I should write to attempt a balance from my last
entry. Drew came home about 10:30pm. I was livid with
him. I didn't really talk to him for like a half an hour.
I made him cry, just by not talking to him... Eventually
we talked, I can't remember what if anything made me feel
better about him being gone so long when he made me think
he would be back. It could have been that he told me he
would go and exercise with me whenever he
wanted...something I had been asking of him for a long time
now. He joked that I just had to get him a cute lil work
out suit. I honestly don't believe he will go and work out
with me though. He tends to tell me what I want to hear
but rarely follows through on it. Perhaps I became less
mad when he told me that he didn't really have a good
time.. and he tried to go several times, but was met with a
whine "awww". Little did he know how upset I was at home,
pretty much in tears from anger and hurt. I guess in some
ways I am being a little selfish..a little controlling or
overbearing. But for once I would like him to come home
when he says. To do what he says he will and follow
through. To surprise me with his ability to clean and stay
focused on a task that he finds unpleasant. God I know I
will miss him...miss all the little things we do for each
other, but are those little things enough. I am I happy
with the role I have been and very possibly will play in
our life together. He is so incredibly sensitive....and
has a wonderful heart...but it is these other things that
weigh upon me... Not being able to go out with me... Not
being able to talk with me deeply...intelligently...and
honestly....Not knowing for sure that I can count on him to
do what he must....Am I holding him to too high of a
standard? Oh my God... I just realized something...some of
what I am feeling is what I felt when I was with Janet.
The girl I dated for like 5 years in highschool and
college. I mean besides the gay thing always being at the
fringes...I always thought that I had to be the strong
one.. that I was the crutch to lean on....without
exception. And I didn't want that role.. yet sometimes I
wonder if it is the role I always carve out for myself..
that I always will...and that I will always be unhappy with
it. I am a controlling person.. but yet I yearn for strong
person.. When I encounter these people I tend to become
their todee.. I sort of let my will bend to theirs. I have
before with Brooke (a friend from high school who I thought
I was in love with at the time) and Andy (a friend from
college that I probably was). I miss Andy. We used to
have such fun together.. and we only really became good
friends that last year and half of school. I tell myself I
want a long term relationship...I want to adopt (at least)
or if possible find a nice girl to be the vessel for a
donated egg. I doubt that I will actually have a kid of my
own ever because it is so hard, complicated and expensive
to find a donor egg.. and someone to carry the kid. All
that aside.... Drew wants this too... sometimes I wonder if
he would make a good parent. He certainly is loving
enough...and he tries so cutely to be tough...but the
responsibility...I am not so sure of. I am not sure I can
lean on him for something like that...He gets me Pepsi just
fine...and tells me he loves me often....but raising a kid
with him... I am not so sure.. And then there is my own
insecurities with commitment which until recently I didn't
know I had. I mean I look at some of my gay friends...and
I think wow.. they are really great...how would a
meaningful relationship with them proceed? Would anything
come of it? I mean there is Josh..who in a lot of ways in
like Drew..quiet..a homebody...boy next door type. He also
is the one that I most recently had an inappropriate
intimacy. He also tends to brood and not talk about his
feelings, something that drives me nuts about Drew.. Drew
would much rather lie to me than risk telling me what his
true feelings are. In Josh's case I don't think he would
tell at all. Lets see who else... hmmm probably Damian,
Damian I actually asked out long ago...He is nice..and
cute.. but wants to be a priest..and so is struggling with
that and being gay. He is also something of a flake
sometimes with the way he behaves. I dont think a long
term relationship with him would work very well.. not to
mention the fact that he isn't the least bit interested in
me nor has he ever been. I am just not cute enough
probably. Then there is Marc...he cute, young, physically
incredibly attractive.. not to mention that he has a decent
job and is going to school.. he seems to have his head
screwed on straight except for the relationship thing. He
seems afraid to have one..he much rather exist in the
safety of his straight friend Missa. They share a bed and
have been friends since high school, but are somewhat
codependent on each other I think. So far it has worked
out for them..except that neither one really has much
desire or perhaps too much fear to try a relationship on
their own. Missa reads this...and I think I have said all
this to her before.. so I hope she doesn't get mad at me.
Whatelse with Marc....he is sort of strong and controlling
and already on several occasions I have let him bat his
eyes at me and I pretty much do what he wants.. but also he
has been in a bitchy mood and I give him his shit right
back. I don't know how he feels about kids.. I don't think
that would be his bag though. Additionally, from a
physical standpoint I am so not his type I think. The boy
has an obsession with a 10" dick. I don't know what he is
thinking. Anyways.. nothing would work there.. I might be
able to get a date out of it.. but he would be bored with
me inside a week.. so no.. I don't want that. ohh and then
there is Nick. He sort of likes me I think.. and to be
honest I encourage it. He wants a long term relationship
(he says).. but hasn't really been out on his own much. He
also is BI...and really hasn't had many relationships with
guys..but has I guess with quite a few women.. So I don't
know about that. Although technically Drew told me he is
Bi also. Actually so was the 17 year old. Hmm.. I attract
Bi boys why is that I suppose? I dunno. So basically,
although I have this vexing curiousity to see what might
happen relationship wise with anyone of these guys...I
don't think any of them would really work long term. Am I
just settling with Drew? God I hope not.. that is so unfair
to him and myself. I mean part of me is saying.. it should
be Love and you will know...but I stopped believing in that
Hollywood sort of love long ago. So what am I to do.. my
gut is telling me I should just stick it out with Drew a
little longer...is that because it would be easier to
untangle our lives then... or maybe I will end up doing
that psychological thing where I make him stop loving
me....ugh.. I hope not. It happens though.. sometimes
subconsciously. Or will I grow up and be the best damn
boyfriend...and eventually life partner I can to him. Will
he improve on the stuff that bothers me? Or should it even
bother me? Is it really that big of a deal? I dont know.
Missa was telling me who when we went out on Friday.. she
sensed some tension... I would say for most of the night...
I had no tension... I felt a little more inhibited with him
there then I usually do. And when he wouldn't dance with
me.. I was sort of pissed. But otherwise... I thought it
was decent. We didn't really talk much to each other...
but he looked so uncomfortable.. and I felt very
drained...from being so restrained or what I dont know.
Well, that is quite a bit for awhile. I am happier today
mostly than I was last night. But just till the next time
I guess. I am tired now.