2002-11-04 09:38:10 (UTC)


fuck, i remember i had something to write, but i forgot. i
think i might start hand writing my journals, typing them
on a computer is so unstable and unreal. it needs to come
from the soul, but the problems with this are that it will
take too long, probably couldn't read my own writing, i
would get tired writing and quit early, mercury couldn't
have a chance to read them (i can't believe im still hooked
up on that theory that i would call a legitimate sign of
schizophrenia, but im slowly getting over it, kinda, dont
ask) and other reasons i can't think of. i dunno, this
weekend went by too fast. probably just because i measure
length of weekends by how long i have nothing to do. i went
to a party, and i hate parties. i hate theme parks,
circuses (circi?), plays, or most things live (besides
concerts). they're created for people to have fun, and if
someone isn't having fun, then they failed. i dunno, it
goes back to how i feel sad for inanimate objects and
stuff. im still conflicted on love, whether or not to
embrace it or hesitate it. there's no definite craving for
me from someone else, i just like being alone. isolation
and music are all i need. its just that if i hook up, ill
only remember the bad parts, i could never remember the
good parts without being overwhelmed by negativity. i doubt
ill ever meet the absolute perfect soul mate any time soon,
and she'll probably the only one i can tolerate and think
about clearly. fuck it, i just can't get over this fuckin
perpetual guilt trip, my life is ruined because of it. i
admit it. my mind is all about carpe diem, do anything,
experience everything, 'if you say something stupid, make
sure you say it loud' and all that jazz. im a punk life-
lovin anarchist inside, but deeper down, im full of
hesitation, doubt, self-hatred, and restraint. but, i just
don't want to take meds, don't want to tell anyone i know
about this, im helpless. i think that self-mutilation is
also involved in exponential oscillations, i haven't had a
craving for cutting myself in a long time, but when the
feelings come back, it'll hit me hard. but by the way this
doldrum is holding out, ill probably be in therapy by then.
maybe i will write out shit, then ill be writing just for
the sake of reflection, and not for complaining to nobody.
but, i might end up burning it, since it has all my essence
and character in it, while this is just data flowing,
01101001000 and everything. my typing isn't distinct, it
can't be traced to me, but hand writing it, i can just see
myself in those words, but i see generic nothingness in
these typed letters. o well, im getting too poser poetic
now, and i need to sleep. but i need to shower. its 1:30, i
don't think i need to shower, i did on saturday night. im
not into hygiene. i brush my teeth about once a week
nowadays, i just don't care about the details, i slack off
before the dentist, bruhs a lot the day before, and he says
my teeth are fine. o well, i don't know what i shoudl do
with my life, still really fucked up and conflicted. i
guess thats the teenage years. i can mentally avoid
headaches, its like a weird anti pong that goes on in my
head, i want to itch my left eye, but that will break my
consentration and my headache will break through. maybe
these aren't headaches at all, just my subconscious toying
with me, trying to separate me from the rest of the world,
making me schizotypal. software engineering or film? i have
no clue, its really up in the air. whether or not i get
help, its still random. a shrink could heal me, and i can
make movies w/o self-criticism stopping me, or the quack
could fry out my creative and artistic nerves in the
process, making me a corporate slave. i should just take
the middle road, a software designer for a really artsy
intelligent game, or a computer animator, something like
that, but i want to keep it low-key, like no more than 50
people working at this project, so you know everyone's name
and are much more in control and can participate in
everything. im too tired for hope. im sleepy, but not
really tired. im just in a daze. i won't take a shower, ill
just lay on the deoderant.