Thoughts from Blue Angel
2001-08-11 15:03:54 (UTC)

The Nerves in Anorexia Nervosa

I'm back on my not eating kick. I know it's not right, and
it's not healthy. But I just can't force food down. Am I
really this nervous? Or is there more to it?

The 4 days of not eating I experienced last week started
something I think. I'm not saying that I'm doing it on
purpose. Not consciously. But I think maybe my
unconscious has a lot to do with it. I don't want to be
able to force food down. I want to not be able to eat,
because then I don't have to have willpower not to eat.

Most girls will admit half-jokingly that they admire the
willpower anorexics have. And as scary as it is, most of
us do have that lurking thought in the back of our minds.
How do they do it?

I look at myself at the moment, and I'm understanding, and
it kind of scares me. I doubt I've had more than one day
since last Thursday that I've eaten even 1,000 calories,
and that one day was when we went to Six Flags. Still, I'd
normally eat twice as much as I did that day. At first, it
was fun to be able to say that I couldn't eat. But now
it's getting kind of old. Now that I've gone for so many
days without really eating, I feel guilty when I eat more
than a little bit.

Last night on my date, I was feeling hungry when we went to
Applebee's. When I got my food, I had to force myself to
eat just 1/4 of my chicken fajita. I honestly wanted to
eat it all, but I couldn't take another bite. All I'd had
all day was a piece of pizza, but I felt absolutely
stuffed. But you know what? I got a sick pleasure out of
it, even though I was embarrassed.

Mom ordered Thermoburn pills, and I started taking them
yesterday. I took 3 on my first day, which was a horrible
idea! I was bouncing off the walls. Maybe that's what
made my stomach nervous, and I think it has an appetite
surpressant anyway. But I'm going to keep taking them,
just one a day or so.

In a way, I know that I'm headed down a dangerous path. Is
this how most eating disorders begin? I'm a
perfectionist... that puts me high on the "at risk" list
for one. That part of me is scared of the fact that not
eating feels as out of my control as eating did. But all I
can think about is how if I'm going to be out of control,
it might as well be on the not eating side. Both unhealthy-
one gets you fatter and the other gets you thinnner. So,
choosing between the two evils, I choose not eating.

I like the feeling I get when I go to bed knowing that I
worked out and ate practically nothing. It's so much
better than all the nights I laid awake, staring up at the
ceiling, and regretting all the junk I'd eaten that day.

I like getting up in the morning and seeing that I've lost
1, 2, maybe even 3 pounds since the morning before. Yes,
daily weight fluctuates, but when I don't eat, it doesn't
go back up.

I don't want to be ashamed of my weight loss. I want to
feel like I did it myself by healthy means. Telling you
now that I've lost 6 pounds in 9 days doesn't seem to have
as much glory in it. But those 6 pounds are gone, no
matter how they left. I know that a good portion of it is
because of an unhealthy habit I've had, but the person
walking down the street or coming into the store doesn't!

So now I have a secret. This is the first time I'm
admitting it to myself even. But please don't judge me.
Don't lecture me. I know very well where this could be
leading, but at the same time, I know very well that it
will probably pass. If this were something I could just
stop doing, I would, but it's not. I'm scared, but most of
all, I'm scared that I like it....