Blaine

broken wings
2002-11-04 02:04:53 (UTC)

hmm... well I guess I take it back.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... well I wasn't going to write in here
anymore, but screw that. It's just easier not to care. I'm
going to write whatever I want, and whatever. You can all
know my life story. I don't give a rat's ass, really.
What's the big deal? There is no point in caring...
ANYWAYS... my dad... yeah... well, I can't take this. Why
the fuck do I even care about this? Why can't I just detach
myself from everyone, and everything? Why the fuck do I
have to care? Why can't I just write it all off? He
obviously doesn't care about me. I mean he never wanted me.
He has always resented my being alive. He wanted her to
have and abortion, and she didn't. He didn't get his way.
That's all there is to it. He doesn't let things go. He
hate everything about me, mostly because I'm like her. I
don't even know how many times I've heard "GOD, You are
just like your mother" in the most disgusted tone possible.
There is nothing I can do to change any of this. So why do
I eve put myself through the hell of trying? Nobody
understands though. It's impossible. I love my dad, I
really do. I want him to love me, but that's not happening,
and it tares me apart. I seek acceptance, but I never get
it. I'm just a burden. And... Never mind... I'm not even
going to try to explain this. It's illogical. All I can say
is that if I have to deal with that, then I don't know why
I even put myself out there... Why do I even put effort
into gaining acceptance? I will never get what I want, Well
at least in the fifteen years I've been alive, the only
person to ever give it to me, would be my Mom. That's all I
need. At least I HAVE somebody. Why the hell am I
complaining? I have parents. That's better than not. Well,
I'm not sure how long that will be true. My dad won't live
much longer. Now he has prostate cancer, He has
fibromialgia (hmm I'm sure I spelled that wrong) He has had
2 heart-attacks. A sever blood colt. He's on blood thinner
and ever time they have to take him off of his meds to give
him surgery, the risk of a second becomes greater and
greater. They have done this several times in the past 6
months, (at least 3, I'm not quite sure though) He had sink
cancer. He is an alcoholic. He smokes. He is addicted to
pain killers for the fibromialgia. He's not in the best of
health. So I won't even have the little of him that I have
now for much longer. That is just about the scariest thing
in the world to me. Everyone else has all the time in the
world. Everyone fights with their parents, but when they
are older, they make-up. I don't think I will even get that
chance. It's fucking not fair. I think I could deal with it
if I thought that it would get better, but I don't even
think I will get that chance. Ahhhhhhhhhh I don't want to
have to deal with this. I'm such a freaking brat, I need to
shut-the hell up, and stop complaining. That's my new plan.
I will probably be writing in here again, so whatever. I
don't really even care what other ppl think anymore, and
fuck sheltering anyone. Whatever, I'm leaving.




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