mental illness, yes it is real..

Life totally sucks.......

well, lets see, lisa is talkin bout takin an od again, i am
barely holdin on myself, maybe we both should od, wouldnt
that be great ? i am at end of my string, and I really cant
go on much longer. once again, i have done another great
job of pissin lisa off, something i do quite well. I am a
total fuck-up, i can never make anyone totally happy.
everything that i say or do, has a negative consiquence
somehow, and i cant take it anymore. I am tryin my best for
everyone , and as always it isnt enough. i love lisa , but
what do i need to do to make her & all of the kids happy ?
we didnt make love last night, i thought she would be out
cold when i got there, i really wasnt in mood, she had me
watch a couple of shows at work to try & fire me up , 1st
show was very lame, 2nd was ok, but i did get a couple of
calls , so i couldnt devote my full attention to it. I got
home and she was fired up , i wasnt , i tried to get in
mood, but she was all verbal against me, so again, no sex.
now it seems to me from way she is talkin that sex is main
part of our relationship, not love. I rejected her she
says, that a night w/o sex is worthy of jail time or
something. i am drained now, i want to curl up and give up.
i am gettin more depressed like her everyday, and she
thinks i am atlas and able to bear entire world on my
shoulders. i wish i were that strong. I deserve an academy
award for the acting job that i am doin, makin it look like
everything is so nice annd rosy, when i am well beyond
breaking point , i just havent given myself permission to
go back to funny farm yet.
when i was there, they told me that once yoou go there, you
will eventually end up back there, i told them no way i
wasnt a returning customer, well guess what , i now amm
believeing that they are right, and i am wrong. at this
rate , i see myself back before holidays, and maybe even
there for holidays. God, PLEASE HELP ME !!!!!