nude_Gabriel

The Adventures of Gabriel in Wonkyland
2002-11-03 06:42:17 (UTC)

2nd November 2002 1.16pm

The bane of my existence; the absence of a social life!
Arghhhh had been feelin utterly miserable for a couple of
weeks oredi, eversince i haven't had fun with friends for
awhile. Am gettin fairly depressed.

Yes, without a hectic social life to distract me from self
destruction, i hate myself pretty regularly now. If I can
erase bits of my life away,i'd start from age 3.Yep, all
the way up.
Why so miserable?

1. Ability Not to forget.
2. Ability to constantly plague me with re-runs of lousy
stuff that would be much better left in abyss of forgotten-
ness.
3. Inability to seek comfort like a normal decent fellow
human-being.

WHY why why why why why why why why ????????

REally, the core of my existence lies in social existent.
Not that i can't be alone. But i can't suffer to live
within myself. (yes, becos of me, i hate myself.)

A rule of my existance requires that i expect no one to be
nice.
Not that i expect pple to b mean of course, but rather, i
dunt't oblige pple to b nice. (n in addition, i don't
expect frens to b there all the time, pple to keep their
promises, anione to give a damn about me.)

It's not too bad really, tho some would accuse me of being
cynical or pessimistic. Maybe, but it saved me alot of
heartaches really.
N makes me much more susceptible to niceness. (i'll be
ridiculously happy when anione shows alittle nicety and
fairly susprised if anione showed interest that i'm still
alive.)

No, i'm paintin too bleak a picture. Let me replace it
again.

I dun't make expectations of anything or anyone. (nothin'
surprises me nowadays, but that's out of the point)
No one i'm associated with is under obligations to fulfill
his/her role as a faithful fren, love, parent, or blah.
And if the lack of which hurts me, it's not his/her fault,
cos I had made the error of expectin' somethin' from
him/her.
But if the person did somethin' good, i'm all the happier ,
Cos i never thought of it coming.

Yes, it's been that way for awhile, eversince i entered
teenagedom (which i'll b leavin in 19 days) n realised the
best friend is a myth. The only true person who would be
there is always yourself.
I'm Not being bitter, for anione who's 'I'm-so-happy-life-
is-all-sunshine-and-daisies,' before u start waggin your
finger at me, chew on this; Whenever you're cast into the
pits of hell, u ultimately learn to pick yourself up. No
one else can do that for you. Friends, no matter how close
can only do so much. They Do have their own lives. (For the
sunshine club, the above is probly incomprehensible)

No, i dun't impose my philosophy on anyone else. It's juz
my own, bleak as it may be.
Maybe that's why i never know how to seek what i need.
N maybe that's why i'd never found anything to change this
philosophy.

Maybe that explains why i sidetrack issues, even to myself
sometimes. (What issues? i'm not too sure myself)


Much happier if i were to wear my heart on a sleeve than to
hold it in my hands in a corner isn't it?

Bleahhhhh, why can't me juz seek emo-support like a normal
functioning person?

Why does the idea to relyin on anyone freaks me out?

Am i bloddy in-secure?

Or am too afraid (of ?)

Somethin' i came across, emotional depenency gives the
other power over oneself (n of course, in a normal
functioning r/s, vice-versa emo-dependency gives each other
power over each other and then u'd get love.)
Is it what i'm afraid of? losing control as my emotions
become puppet to someone else's strings?

Could be, i honestly don't know, n like phil collin can't
dance, I can't talk.

Why can't i get out of myself?

why can't i let it all go?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

18th Nov 4.35pm

Hahahah mebbe i'm narcisstic, but i do find this page midly
interestin.
Hmmm in retrospect, no i don't hate myself, now at this moment
anyway, so it's more mood inflicted. haha.

I still try not to expect anithing from people. True, i do still
agree that it saves heartache.
Put it in another manner, What disappointments would there be without
expectations?
And it's much easier when people I come into contact with do not feel
the need to do this or be that. (at least i hope so.)

hmmmm as for the rest, it's probly my stiff upper lip and the stoopid
brain's inability to let go of issues. Is quite irritatin' at times.
But i'll live.




Ad: