Krazy Kat

My Psychotic Ramblings
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2002-11-02 21:05:59 (UTC)

Broke Down.

I quit taking the Risperdal Friday the 25th, and I quit
taking the antidepressants Tuesday the 29th, the day I saw
the Shrink.

During therapy Friday first I got upset. This lady, who I
have only seen twice was trying to say I Obsessive
Compulsive Personality Disorder. Now, I don't recall if
she was saying she that I had that INSTEAD of OCD, or
both. I looked them both up to-day in my DSM-IV book. It
seems I have both, but I meet more critera for OCD than
OCPD. You know, whatever, it just didn't seem right for
her to change my diagnosis so soon. I've been to what...20
therapist and five shrinks? Why wouldn't they have thought
I had OCPD? What's up with this Lesbain Witch changing
things around when I was comfortable with how things were
before. They were just fine. I was being treated, getting
better (before I stopped my meds), I was making it, getting
somewhere it life.

She also got me quite upset because I told her that I
wanted to work on getting the nightmares to stop. That I
didn't like them and they scared me. What she said next
seemed to be off subject. She asked what I wanted. ??? I
told her I didn't want anything. I thought about it more,
and I wanted more than anything to have Quincy and Sinclair
again, with me right there. That's all I wanted at that
moment. But, back to the nightmare. It's very very hard
for me to bring up the nightmares, the abuse, or like
situations, and now, when I do, it's like I said nothing.
So, yes, it upset me. I'm angry with her. I wish she
would help me instead of making me feel like feces.

I started crying in therapy, I don't even remember why, but
by the tyme it was tyme to go, I was still crying. I went
outside and sat on the bench while Jackie waiting in the
van. I tried to smoke that cig, but lemme tell ya, it's
hard to smoke and cry at the same tyme. I went to the van
and curled up on the front seat, still crying. I felt more
comfortable being closer to Jackie, though...at least when
she stopped asking me questions and trying to figure out
what was wrong. As soon as we got home I went into my
bedroom, laid my the bed, held Tobey & Siage tightly, and
bawled. All I remember doing from the tyme I got home from
therapy to night was laying in bed crying, though I'm sure
I went out for a few cigs on occasion. Yeah, and I called
Rupert. I was crying on and off during the conversation.
It was just him trying to talk sense into me or something.
I barely heard a word of his over my thoughts, but it was
comforting to know he cared enough to take the tyme to try
and help me.

This morning I was depressed and really really irritable.
I tried to stay in my room, but I had to go outside to
smoke every once in a while. I didn't want to be around
anyone at all, I didn't want to be spoken to, and I snapped
when people spoke to me. It causes rage inside of me when
I'm uncontrollably mean to other people, especially my
friends and family. It causes me to be angry and Hate
myself. It makes me think I should be killed.

Well, so, with how I was feeling this morning...so
down...so irritable...not satisfied with anyting...not at
all motivated. I went ahead and took my antidepressants
(but NOT the Risperdal). Then I went out for a smokey
break, and it just came to me: KLONOPIN! Klonopin would
help me calm down and be cool and collected. Maybe I
didn't need those antidepressants after all. I don't
know. I don't want to feel like that again, like feces, so
I will take them.

I decided to take just 30mg of Celexa & just 50mg of
Luvox. I was supposed to go off Celexa and start Luvox,
but I'm going to keep it like this-the lowest dose of each
so I can easily and quickly go off them. It seems like a
good idea to me. I'm going to ask the Shrink for Serzone
when I see him on the 14th. Serzone is supposed to be one
of the few antidepressants that don't cause sexual
dysfunction. My Beau would be so happy if he could make me
happy that way. But I know it would be a while before the
drugs will be out of my system. I quit taking one, Prozac
or Paxil, I forget which, but it was when I was with my X.
I wanted to have a good tyme with him, though I never did
have an orgasm while having sex with him. I don't think
the drugs had gotten out of my system enough. It really
sucked. I was fed up. I just want to be normal and have a
good, pleasant tyme with my Beau, but I can't because of
these fucking medications. Gods, I want to scream. I
think I'll clean, though. Something tells me I better
clean and stuff so that things are "right."


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