thuggy

Why Me?

well, after everything that i said last nite, i thought i
was done crying. trick trick. i went into work, feeling
confident after talking all last nite to u and then to my
mom for an hour or so. we had devised a plan...make goofy
faces to break the ice, give him the pic of us and a note
sayin everything that i felt about him. i did all. i dont
know what else to do. i want it all and i want it RIGHT
NOW. if i cant, then i either give up, or im a bitch. im
about to give up. i cant stand comming home every night
from work and crying about him...how i love him, how i miss
him, how i cant be without him, etc. well, today was a
doozy. i saw him and and ashley gettin all friendly
(laughin and havin a good time) and i was so mad! i
clenched my jaws shut and that was all i could do from goin
over and kickin her ass. i cant do it. no more. i cant
handle it. why cant he just be a man and tell me its over
if it is? thats what he told his best friend ashley. i
found out from her, but i wouldnt believe it. i wouldnt
believe it for 2 reasons: one bc my mom called him last
nite (wo me knowing) and talked to him, basically askin
why. and he wanted to know how many times i was gonna
appologize. then she said, "look, she really cares about
u, and i know u still love her too." and he said "yea."
HIS OWN WORDS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HIS OWN WORDS! then
after i gave him the first note with the pic, he seemed
more...hhmm...whats the word? i dunno. i wanna say "open"
but its not that. more like..."acceptive" ya know? like
he accepts my appology (by the way he was acting anyway,
not necessarily that he did) not like hes talkin to me, but
that he can now look me in the eyes. but then my feelings
changed again. he was on break. i went back, and he was
lying down. i walked up to him and said, "can i ask u a
question?" no answer. i walked right up next to
him. "please?" no answer. im tellin ya, its the story of
my life. i say, "well, no matter if u hate me, i love you
to death" and i rubbed his stomach and walked out. he was
the same after that...indifferent...hhmm...i dunno
anymore. when i left, ashley was goin on break and talio
was right there next to her. is he with her? does he
wanna be with her? is he with me? does he wanna be with
me? WHATS THE DEAL?!?!?! i mean, damn...if he wants me to
be mentally insane before the age of 25, he sure as hell
knows how to do it. i dunno, but imma bout to call him on
my moms cellie and ask him if hes with me or not. i cant
be here dangling in the middle. i feel like he has me on a
chain or something. ogod...i love him so much! ive really
never felt like this before. i think that im IN LOVE.
that this is what love is. love is so powerful. i just
wanna know. thats all. i need to know if i need to try to
move on, or to stay. stay with my love. stay with my
hopes. just stay with my boyfriend natalio mino jr. im so
scared to call him. will he hang up? will he listen to
me? i feel and look like shit. ive been crying since
about 7 and now its 8:06. imma call him in about 5-10
mins. well see what happens. see if he hangs up. and if
he doesnt, see if he loves me, if he wants to be with me.
ill let ya know what happens later.

love,
dana