My Heart and Soul....
2002-11-02 17:35:25 (UTC)

Getting up, growing up, and DEALING

Life is shitty sometimes, and this time of year brings
back lots of tough memories, but thats ok. Because life
can't always be one big laugh fest. Stacey and I were
talking yesterday, a year ago next week I met David. While
my heart still aches when I think of him, and I know that I
will never love another person the way I loved him, I
wouldn't give up those memories. While the last few months
have been hard without hmi, the times I had with him more
than make up for that. All the late night talks, the
laughter, the tears. For the first time giving my entire
self to someone, and knowing that he cherished it more than
any other gift. I'll move on. I'm already starting to.
But I will never forget him.

And speaking of forgetting and moving on. I think I need to
clear a few things up. I've told my closest friends about
what happened last week. But I feel I need to elaborate,
just to make a few points clear to everyone, with a
particular message going out to a particular person, who
will understand, if not accpet what it is a want to say.

I keep this journal for a few reasons. 1-because a lot of my
friends are gone away, and I want them to be able to stay in
touch with me. 2-Because there is a lot about me that people
need to know in order to understand why I am the way that I
am. 3-to help other people in the world who have the same
problems to know that they are not the only one. 4-to help
myself reflect on my problems, in order to put them in
perspective and work toward solving them. In doing this, I
understand that I am taking on certain risks by allowing
anyone who wants to a chance to crawl into my head. BUT, I
never considered that people could be so cruel as to take
the things that I say and use them in a way that is hurtful
toward me. When I say things about someone, it is how I
feel. And if those people would confront me, I would say it
to their face. My friends know that I am not the kind of
person to hide behind false words, and facades.

So...you all need to understand. These are my feelings. I'm
not saying them to piss you off, or to piss your significant
others, friends, or families off. I wouldn't do that. I am
not the kind of person who does cruel things like that. And
I don't appreciate things being taken out of context and
twisted around. I was hurt by that, and frankly I've come
to realize that you don't care. Obviously all you care
about is convincing yourself that you are happy, and that
the woman you have chosen to spend the rest of your life
with is apparently too perfect to be placed on the same
level as others of us who are in essence no different.
However, I know the truth. The same truth that you can't
and won't allow yourself to admit to. That she has done and
said more hurtful things than I care to elaborate on. And
that you yourself have hurt me in a way that I will never
allow myself to forget. Because now, whenever I meet
someone, and fall for them, I am forced to second guess
myself, because I never know what to expect. I've learned
that no man is ever going to be honest with me, no mattter
what he says. I thank you for teaching me that. I'm sorry
if it bothers you that I write about you. But like it or not
you were a part of my life. Unlike you, I do not simply
brush off bad experiences and force myself to forget about
them. I dwell on them, if you will. Not because I want to go
back and changet things, but simply because I know that
there is a lesson to be learned, and until I have completely
learned and understood that lesson, will I be able to completely put
that particular even or circimstance from my mind. At this point, I
cant say as I have done those things. So if I continue to talk
about it, I guess thats just something you're going to have
to \"DEAL\" with.

On that note: You need to understand. I am not trying to
interfere with your life. I do not want you back. I do not
want anything to do with you on that level. But since
maturity seems to be the word of the week, let me put it
into context for you. I cannot name very many adults who I
have seen treat another person as you treated me. Even the
parents of most of my friends who have divorced, still
communicate, and in fact are very good friends. Yes, a lot
of the people in high school do things like quit speaking to
their ex's, or spreading lies...but then again, that's high
school isn't it? A thing that you both want so bad to think
you are above. But until you can realize that the reason I
am still so hurt is not because some guy dumped me, but
because someone who paraded around as my friend treated me
so unspeakably cruel, will you reach the maturity level that
you so often speak of.

I can wager on one of two things right now- You are either
fumingly angry, and ready to leave me another of your sneaky
little messages, or, that you are actually beginning to
understand a little more about me. While I hope it is more
of the second, I am afraid to say that I think it is more of
the first. And if that is indeed true, I'm sorry. But
honesty is my game in life. Like it or not. If you don't
think that you can handle the truth of my feelings and
words, then I think maybe you need to admit to yourself that
you have a lot of growing up to do, and cease reading my
journal, until you are ready to be mature and handle it like
an adult. Enough said.

Note to eveyone: If you are looking for ammunition against
me, talk to me to my face. Attacking someone through a
journal or Instant Message is the fools way of admitting
that in a face to face battle of the wits, they cannot be so
successful as they can when there is no one to retaliate.
Sorry if I pissed anyone off. Like I've said a million
times...confront me. I'll say it to your face.