Thoughts from Blue Angel
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2001-08-10 21:05:44 (UTC)

Just What I Was Aiming For

In just about every movie you watch or any book you read,
you reach a climax, and then the whole atmosphere changes.
The characters have grown and changed. They're all getting
ready to go their seperate ways, and everything is tied up
very nicely. There are wounds, but they're healing.

That's where I am now. The summer is over. I've
accomplished what I started off wanting to accomplish,
although I had my doubts that I would ever reach this
place. I've shifted from preparation to action, and I'm
going strong.

I've let Adam go. I think I needed last weekend to
happen. Kind of like when you break a bone and they have
to rebreak it in order for it to heal right. I needed that
hurt so I could take a nasty half-healed wound and change
it into one that would heal nicely. There will always be a
scar of course, but when it heals, it won't hurt now.

I flipped out on Jason yesterday, but I think I needed that
too. I let it all out for the final time, and now it's
over. Actually, it didn't take long for me to really
honestly be ok with it. By the time I went to work, I was
feeling great. We were REALLY busy, and that normally
would have made my night a living hell, but it didn't. I
stayed in a good mood, and it wasn't a fake good mood. I
was sincerely relaxed and content.

I went to Six Flags with Leah, Kris, Aaron, and his frat
brother David on Wednesday, and we had so much fun. They
are so awesome, and I really felt like I fit in. That's
something I hadn't felt in a very long time. For once, I
was confident that I was good enough to be with them and
they accepted me, even though they are the "right" people.
I mean, I've always seen the girls hanging out with the hot
guys in big groups and thought how awesome it would be. I
was jealous. Maybe it's shallow of me to feel inferior
because my high school friends weren't the popular people.
In fact, I'm sure it is, but no one could honestly tell me
that it doesn't feel good to be accepted by well-liked
people who are genuinely awesome people and fun to be

The insecure part of me is still afraid that I'll never fit
into a crowd like that when I go to school, but the
stronger part of me (which is taking over slowly but
surely) is telling me that if I'm confident in myself, I
will find those people, and I'll have the time of my life.

So maybe I've grown a litte more superficial over the
summer, but I think that's because for the first time in my
life, I feel confident enough to know that I'm good enough
to be one of the right people. I am a fun person to be
around. I am a friendly person who people can talk to and
approach without feeling intimidated. I AM good enough,
and if someone can't accept me for who I am, they are the
ones who aren't good enough.

Yes, I have nicer things now. I drive a better car. (And
I even got a letter yesterday letting me know that I got
the license plates I wanted! YAY!) I've lost weight, and I
plan to keep on losing. But those things aren't what's
gotten better about me. They're awesome, yes, but they
aren't happiness. Happiness is feeling the way I feel
now. Being with people I honestly love to be with and who
honestly love to be with me. Happiness was being able to
put on Kris's extra 2-piece suit to jump in the pool
without worrying about the little extra padding I had on my
tummy, even with Aaron around.

I've felt like a "new person" so many times this summer,
and that's because I've been through so many stages of
change. This is by far the most significant one, and it's
gonna last.

I'm not saying that I think I'm over all of my depression
and low self confidence problems. I know that it's not
going to stop being hard. I'll probably hit some really
shitty points before I've got this licked. I don't expect
to be this secure all the time. But I'm not going to let
this beat me. I'm gonna try my hardest not to let anyone
drag me down or make me feel inferior anymore.

As I've been writing this entry, I've been talking to
Jason. Who would have imagined that he would end up being
such a big part of my healing? I love it now that we're
being real with each other. No more fake fronts. No more
lying to each other, and even worse- ourselves. I hope it
stays this way, because he really does mean a lot to me.

I've laid some ground rules for myself. I'm not going to
drink a lot. I've actually felt the craving to drink again
now that I've tried it once, and that kind of scares me.
So I'm not going to let myself get out of hand. I'll drink
in moderation, but I'm never going to let myself get so
drunk that I can't control my actions. The little buzz I
had on Friday night was enough for me. I'd be lying if I
said that I have no desire to party, but I'm realizing now
how stupid it would be to throw away all the common sense I
used in high school.

Also, I think part of my problem is that I have been way
too easy since I lost my virginity. I haven't said no
nearly enough. No wonder I lost self-respect. Now that
I've really experienced being fucked, I'm hearing alarms
telling me that I have to go back to being as strong as I
was before I lost it. I'm waiting for the right guy to
come along before I have sex again, and he'll be waiting a
while to get any.

Do I enjoy sex? Hell yeah! But I don't enjoy waking up
the next morning with that empty feeling. It's not worth
it. And now that my rose-colored glasses have been
removed, I can choose to be smarter.

I choose to be more confident. I choose to make the right
decisions. I choose to stop being the victim and to get
off my ass and do something about my problems.

I have to be confident, because I know if I am, then people
won't be able to help liking me!