On a more personal note...
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2002-11-02 06:40:42 (UTC)

A New Beginning

Well, we start a new chapter, we leave Diaryland behind
and move on to something new. Whereas before my journal
was a chronicle of events in my life we're going to make
this more of an expression of emotions and reactions to
the things that happen in my day.

Today was a little tiring. I have but one class on Friday
and that is English. The downside, I have it from 8-9 in
the morning. I set my alarm for a seven o'clock buzz, but
to no avail, I turn it off and fall back to sleep. I did
wake up in time to make it to class, but it starts my day
far to early. I really enjoy the class and my professor
is a very intelligent man, I enjoy listening to his
opinions and thoughts on the topics he teaches. Rehearsal
for Picasso really tires out my body both mentally and
physically. There are rehearsals every day and they are
very extensive, and my position as assistant stage manager
does not require much of me. I sometimes wonder if I am
wasting my time...I enjoy the company of those involved,
but I cannot help but feel out of place and a nuisance

What I really need right now is to find some friends. I
have met some people here on campus, but I really need to
make a friend. I need someone who I can talk to about
anything and not worry that they will think less of me.
Two people in particular come to mind and I would really
like to know them. Yuri and Jeff are two people that I
have met and I really like. I enjoy hanging out with both
of them, but I feel like I am intruding their personal
space when I call and ask if they want to hang out. Maybe
a "girlfriend" but I know that I have a hard time sharing my
feelings with other people. Not even for the intimacy
of a girlfriend, but just someone to talk to and be
comfortable around.

I always feel like I am "on" and can never be myself,
I need the comfort of friendship. I need people that I can
be with and be myself. That is what I miss the most about
home. I miss the comfort that only people that truly know
you can provide. My friends and my parents. Erik, Andy,
Chris, Alex, Bethany, Brandi, Scott and Kathie. College
was a big step for me. I live in a world where I have to
interact with the people around me to achieve success. I
keep to myself very much, because although I may appear to
be an extrovert, I am a very private person. I keep to
myself and have no problem in finding enjoyment in a book
or what others might consider a mundane activity. I enjoy
these things, but I feel like I am missing out on many
enriching experiences, but I want to experience these
things in a right frame of mind, untainted by drugs and
alcohol that are constantly thrust upon me, I fail to see
the necessity of these things and I am looking to meet
people that understand that

I am now living in a semi-real world, I have
responsibilities and things I need to do, but I still have
the comfort of knowing that it is just school and my day
is planned already when I get up. I will be honest, what
I will do after college seems so impossible and it scares
the shit out of me.

That's all the truth I can muster at this point, that and
it's two in the morning. This has been a helpful release for me and
it feels good to get out what I'm really feeling in my head.

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