Lisa_Lou

Sweet Nitemares
2002-11-02 04:55:11 (UTC)

Final Auto biography....

I was undertime restraints when I had to write it so the
draft you are getting and the draft my teacher is getting
is much different. Atleast some aparts will be.

Introduction

Now I know all kids have their favorite T.V. show or movie
they always have to watch. Mine was "The Wizard of Oz." I
would watch it up to five times a day if I was allowed to.
It drove my mom and grandmother crazy. Sometimes if I was
bad they punished me and wouldn’t let me watch the movie
all day. Needless to say, many tears were shed over that.

My favorite song in the whole movie was "Somewhere Over the
Rainbow." Like Dorothy, I have always wanted to be
somewhere else, somewhere where I could be happy and free
of troubles.

When I was young my mother bought a music mirror that had a
magnetic blue bird on it and while it was playing the
song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" the bird danced around. I
watched it and listened to it every chance I got, but
slowly as time marched on I began to listen to it less and
less until I stopped listening to it at all.

Like Dorothy, I was always looking for answers or maybe an
ending to something and I thought Oz would be it. Even
though I don’t listen to the music mirror any more, nothing
has really changed. Just like when I was little, I’m still
walking the yellow brick road looking for my Oz...

LISA GO BYE-BYE

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There’s a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby."


Before I was born my mother had dropped out of high school
before her senior year was over and moved to live with my
Aunt Shary in Des Moines. That was where my mom met my dad
just long enough to conceive me. After that my mom lost
contact with my dad. I have only met my dad maybe a handful
of times during my life from 3rd grade on up. He has never
been a stable male figure in my life and probably never
will be. In meeting him so few times I have found him to be
incredibly unreliable and way too fickle. He has never held
on to a job longer than a month since I have met him and he
has other children unaccounted for. The irony of the
situation is with all that my mother dislikes about him she
would still marry him.

I was the product of bad choices by both of my parents. A
one night stand that altered my mother’s life the next 18
years. On August 19th, 1984 at 1:55 a.m. in the morning my
mother gave birth to a beautiful mulatto child at 6 lb. and
3 3/4 oz. Named after a doll of my mother’s childhood, Lisa
Go Bye-Bye. Even though my full name was Lisa Marie
Clinkenbeard, Lisa Go Bye-Bye would have fit also.

From the moment I was born up to this day I have always
wanted to go. It never mattered where or when, just as long
as I was in some sort of transportation I was content with
life. Of course this was more enforced when I was a baby.
Every time my family would take me anywhere, they knew that
there would be two Lisa’s. The one who would be quiet as
the car moved or the one that screamed and cried while the
car was at a stop.

When I got older it became quite apparent that I loved
food. When I was starting to eat more solid foods my family
took me with them to go out and eat at an all you can eat
restaurant. My mom had been feeding me mashed potatoes when
she ran out. While she went to get more, I began to fuss.
Well my grandmother decided that a way to calm me down was
to feed me whipped topping until my mom came back. When my
mom came back she couldn’t figure out why I wouldn’t eat
the potatoes anymore.

Well time went on and I got old enough to feed myself. I
then developed another nickname. Chipmunk, now how I got
this name was perhaps funny, but also kind of disgusting.
When I would eat supper and it happened to be something I
didn’t like, I would begin to pack the food into my cheeks.
Of course this was a genius plan of mine to avoid actually
consuming something I didn’t like. Though there were some
flaws to the plan in the beginning. The main problem being
what happens when my mouth gets too full, but being my
incredibly creative self, that was solved quickly. See, I
would always get a glass of milk to drink with my dinner
and every time I took a drink I would spit the food I had
gathered in my mouth into the cup of milk. Of course I was
found out quickly by who ever washed the dishes that night
and was punished properly, but not with out a grin on the
face of the punisher.

When my brother, Jason, was born 19 months later he was
pretty sick and needed my mothers attention, so I always
stayed with my grandparents when I was little and needed to
be watched. I was dropped off late, so I went straight to
bed. Although at times I would spend a week or so with
them. My grandpa and I would watch cartoons every night
together and scuffle.

When I turned two and Jason was a couple months old, my mom
married Charlie, Jason’s father. This made us a family at
least for the time being.

Charlie Eugene Elam was a good man with a good heart, but
like my real father he had problems keeping a job. It took
me along time to figure out that he wasn’t my real father
though. I was raised in a all white family I didn’t see a
difference between us. When I got older and Charlie and my
mom started to fight and got ready to divorce I realized
and began to feel that he wasn’t my father and to this day
I don’t treat him as such. Now it seems awful of me to do
this to the man who was my father figure for so long, but I
felt betrayed some how. Maybe I was angry that my siblings
had something I would never have... never truly have in my
life and I took it out on him.

While my family and I lived on the farm in Sully, we had
many pets. The most vivid memory I have was the amount of
cats we had. We never had just a couple cats on that farm.
Farm cats never come in small amounts. They may start off
being a group of 5, but when you notice them again, they
have nearly doubled or tripled in size. We had about 50
cats at one point.

I don’t remember much about our house. What I do remember
is the yard we had and how much I loved playing in it. The
yard was huge in back and front and it was outlined with
cornfields on each side. In the dining room there was a
window that covered most of the wall. I would stand at it
and look out at the yard, cornfield and beyond. I did this
more when it was raining. I loved watching the rain and
lightning it was such a beautiful sight from that window.

Pre-school is a big blur of candy and sand boxes. That’s
all I remember of it. It was a giant playtime and I loved
being there. The reason I remember the sandbox was because
it was inside the building and not outside. I like playing
there, but I liked being picked up from pre-school by my
mother even more. When she picked me up, we would go get
something from the convience store before going home. I
would usually get dots and pop while my mom would get
cigarettes and pop.

At this period of time in my life I was a very happy and
content child. I had an new sister, Tina Michelle who was
born in 1989 and I thought she was the cutest thing in the
world. I knew nothing of the heart aches of the world yet
and I was very naive. This of course changed quickly as
time went on.

TOMBOY

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true."


Always the tomboy never the "girlie girl." Of course I was
never mistaken for a boy because my mom wouldn’t let me
dress the part, but I did look it. I was always covered
with dirt and band aids. In fact my kindergarten year, I
got hurt in class once.

We had a substitute teacher one day and we were getting
ready to go out side and play. One of my friends had
dropped something by the big wooden ball bin and I bent
over to pick it up. I came back up, I hit my head on the
corner of the box. I hadn’t thought I hit my head that
hard, but the teacher saw the blood running down my face
and sent me to the nurse’s office. The nurse in turn called
my mom and sent me home. That of course wouldn't be the
last time I would be sent home for a silly reason.

My friends and I at Lynneville Sully had a very interesting
competition when we would go to lunch. We would have a
bruping contest. One day after winning the burping contest
I was going to my class and as I got to the door way I
puked up my lunch do to the amount of air I had built up in
my stomach. I didn't feel sick before I puked and I didn't
feel sick after wards. The nurse still sent me home. My
mom laughed when she found out what had happened.

Injuries weren’t a new thing for me. Being a farm girl I
learned how to ride a bike on gravel roads and was always
wrecking and scraping myself, but I never needed stitches
nor have I ever broken a bone.

The worst thing I can remember was my "monkey bar
addiction." Now back in the day, monkey bars were a big
thing. My friend, Rachel, and I played on them every day,
even after getting blisters on every single finger. My mom
had warned me to stay off of them for awhile, but she knew
I was just as stubborn as she was. So, one day as I went to
go swing across the monkey bars with my hands covered in
popped or unpopped blisters, I slipped and fell off. This
wouldn’t have been so bad except all the blisters on my
right hand ripped off along with the skin on my palm. Yeah,
that kind of hurt, but nothing like when I got home and my
Aunt Panicked. She then proceeded to pour half a bottle of
alcohol on my hand. I screamed and cried for about an hour
that day. Perhaps the funniest part was my Aunt wrapping my
arm in bandage wrap from my hand to my elbow for the injury
that was only on my hand. Then to show how stubborn I was,
I then proceeded to try and ride my bike for an hour after
that.

My first 1st grade experience at Lynnville-Sully didn’t
amount to much. All I remember from that year was
doughnuts. Now let me explain. My first 1st grade teacher
was named Mrs. Ratcliff. I always seemed to believe "Rat"
was a good name for her. It was clear she didn’t like me
and I didn’t like her. So when she requested to have me
held back a year it wasn’t a surprise. She said I was "too
small" to go on to the next grade. Me being me I was all
for it because I had the other teacher the second time
around who I liked way better then Ratcliff. I also thought
it was a good idea because I had more friends in the lower
grade.

Sometimes I think it helped me build my character a and it
allowed me to mature some. Truthfully, I don’t know what
I’d be like without my second year of first grade because
so many things just wouldn’t of happened without it.

Now as time marched on to the end of my second grade year,
I found out my mom and step dad had been having problems
and were now getting a divorce. We were moving away from
Sully. I wasn’t totally in the dark when this happened,
being the oldest I saw and heard things the other two don’t
even know to this day. But, knowing so much about what was
happening didn’t help me feel any less confused on how to
feel about the situation. I knew I was going to miss Sully,
my friends and maybe even my step dad, but I also knew
moving to Monroe would bring me closer to my grandparents
and this made me happy.

Being from my friends made me furious and that’s when my
mind changed from trusting everyone to trusting no one.
This may seem like a drastic change for someone so young,
but I didn’t see the adults I trusted for years the same
way again.

My first day at Monroe Elementary was very unusual to say
the least. Like any other new kid, I didn’t know anyone and
I was very uncomfortable in my new surroundings. what made
this experience worse was my first recess.

It was a dreary day an I was sitting alone on the swing set
when all of the sudden five boys came up to me. The started
to beat me up or at least they tried to do so. I began to
defend myself and beat them up instead. I didn’t know why
they did this, but from that day on it seemed I had
developed a friendship with the boys that lasted for quite
some time. I usually only played with boys during my first
year at Monroe. I was much more comfortable with them since
I was a tomboy. The thing was, my teacher Mrs. Madison
didn’t think I was happy just playing with boys. So one day
she took all the girls aside (except for me) and told all
the girls they needed to try and play with me and if they
didn’t try, they would be separated from their friends so
they had to play alone. Well, I caught on to this fairly
fast and when girls from my class would approach me, I
would turn them down. Thinking to myself that the situation
was rather funny.

A this time my family had moved a couple times but was
living with my grandparents mostly. I had one pet that I
would claim as my own. Baby was an oreo bull that was born
to my grandparent’s milking cow, Rosy. H was about 1,000
pounds and I’d play with him all the time after school and
on the weekends. One day, when my grandma saw me doing it
she decided to talk to me about it.

"Lisa I don’t think you should play with that bull." She
said, rather concerned about the situation.

I looked at her, smiled and said, "But grandma I let him
rest."

From that day on, until he got taken away to go be a stud
on a near by farm, he was my favorite pet.

Mrs. Gritters was my forth grade teacher and the only thing
I remember from her class was the book "The Giver." We read
that book about three times that year. Though I could never
figure out why.

My fifth grade year was when I met Mr. Coburn. He was my
classes’ student teacher. I thought he was the hottest
piece of male I had ever saw in my life. It’s fairly funny
now, but then I took it very seriously. I even wrote him an
inspiration note and gave him a baseball. I gave him the
baseball because he used to play it until he hurt his hand.
The not didn’t consist of much, yet it had a lot of words
to it.

Fifth grade is also the year I began to get darker in my
mind of thinking. Thinking more about death and darkness.
I wore black all the time and started to listen to darker
mood music.

My friends stayed pretty consistent through out all of my
elementary years at Monroe. I played basketball with Bo
Boddicker, Kenny Thorsen, Ritchie Lust, Jake Manning, and
Jared Skippers and then scuffled with Dustin Crady, Matt
Steenhoek, Dustin Quilan, Chris Gomez and Kent Putz. They
were all good friends.

At this point I would like to intervene with a rather bad
memory. My mother had many boyfriends but none so bad as
Glen Hume. My mother was going to DMACC and taking care of
7 children at the time. Glen had four kids and my mom had
three. Me being the second oldest, I was usually taking
care of allot of things around the house when my mom
couldn’t. I never liked Glen and I think he knew it. It had
always been a struggle not having a normal father figure in
my life but I have learned to survive without one. So when
my mother got into the last fight they ever had and he
ended up throwing a hairbrush at her, we moved out right
away never looking back. We were happier once we got out of
there.

At this point in life, my grandma and grandpa were having
problems. My grandma had had two heart attacks and they
were well on the way of divorce when my grandfather was
caught cheating on my grandmother with a friend of the
family. We moved various times in the next two years
because of this. We would eventually find a final home
though.

BEACH BUMS

"Someday I’ll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far

Behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops

That’s where you’ll find me."


Of course, where you could find me in my middle school
years is a totally different place. Then again maybe I did
see my troubles melting "like lemon drops" in my dreams. I
call my middle school years the "big sleep." The story
behind this is quite ingenious really. Somehow, somewhere I
found out that middle school, out of all the years in my
school career, didn’t carry over to high school
transcripts. In other words we got a clean slate when we
hit high school. Knowing this at about 7th grade I began to
stay home a lot. Somedays were from depression, others just
laziness.

The first day of middle school I was way to worried about
making it to my classes on time to notice anything else.
Monroe kids and Prairie City kids didn’t really mingle the
first day unless either. We stayed in our respective
corners until we had checked each other out enough to say
hi.

From sleet, to snow, to rain or shine I always stood in the
bus line. Yes, the bus line. Looking back it seems so
trivial, but I do believe that is where most of my
depression started. My friends and I always got picked on
bye Melissa Ford and her group of banshees. From verbal to
physical abuse it never failed. Like clock work, something
always happened on the bus. Of course nothing helped more
than filling the buses way over capacity so we were all
very close together. This made it much easier for the lower
classmen to be tortured by the upper classmen.

Now, give I had some violence problems in middle school,
but to be sure nothing got me in more trouble with my
friends than when I stopped being physically violent and
started saying whatever was on my mind. I was brutally
honest all the time. The cycle that consisted of me saying
something after one of my friends made a comment (something
that would certainly have to do with the lack of common
sense they had) and then I got hit on the arm fairly hard.
I am pretty sure that I had bruises on my arms from 7th to
the end of 8th grade.

Oddly enough, I was the voice of reason in the group. Not
much peer pressure towards me, but I saw enough to know
better. Perhaps this came from my mature nature. It always
alienated me from the others. I was more logic-minded than
most of my friends, and it seems to this day I still am. I
was also very loyal. Most of my friends had to leave me
unless they betrayed me. It takes allot to make me hate
someone, but some people just push it too far. I think the
one story that showed this the most was the fight I had
with Chanelle Dighton. She had been telling people things
and saying that I said them when infact one of my other
friends had said it. I confronted her and it went a little
something like this:

"Chanelle, why do you keep saying I am saying things about
Kate?"

Kate Knight was a "friend" of the time... we were growing
apart like most friends do when they don’t’ have things in
common, but we still got along and I wasn’t going to allow
this to be what broke the friendship.

Chanelle replied.

"Well, I heard it was you that said it."

At this point I had yelled loud enough the first time that
there was a circle around us. Of course Chanelle had her
enemies so there was something cheering on my part as I
continued.

"Well, you better get your facts straight before you try
and spread sh*t!"

After having said that, I gave her the death look and she
never tried anything again.

I was in band and choir both. My sixth grade year I had Mr.
Stratton for a band teacher. He was good and seemed to like
me. Then he left and we had Brad Gage for two years,
finding out at the end of his two years we were getting a
new teacher. I was getting very discouraged with the
situation. We met Mr. Young second to last day of school,
but we didn’t’ fully get introduced until high school. I
only did choir for two years, 6th and 8th grade. In seventh
grade I guess I didn’t want to do anything. Which really
wasn’t a big surprise being since that was the year I found
out about the clean slate thing.

My class as we did once before tortured tons of teachers.
So much, infact, one stopped teaching all together. Mrs.
Meyer had an hard year the year my class got to her. Lots
of death and sickness, so it didn’t help when she was there
to teach. My class would spit spit balls and other various
annoying things that were really uncalled for. One day, she
just had enough.

"Anyone who wants to learn, come to my desk," she said in a
very angry voice.

I was on of the few who went up to her desk, and I was also
one of the few in that class who got an fairly descent
grade.

The moving in my life is a big blur. I know I moved 8 to 9
times in 2 years and that allot of it was in the gap of my
late elementary and early middle school years. All the
moving may help explain why I wanted to sleep so much
during these years. One move I do remember is the one when
we moved into a friends house by the Monroe Elementary, but
when things got bad we moved in with my mom’s ex-
husband. "House" was an loosely used term of course when it
was only composed of two rooms. With five people living in
two rooms this left all of them very tense and irritable. I
was always away, at least when I could be. Finally, once my
mom got back on her feet, we rented the big brick house by
the Monroe Elementary. The person we rented from was an old
drunk and had the rent ridiculously high, so when my mom
had the chance to by a house she did. It was the last place
we moved to.

"I’m going to live in a sand castle on the beach and eat
gummy bears for the rest of my life!" That was the Beach
Bum’s motto. The Beach Bums were a group consisting of
Dustin Crady, Brad Schafer, Chris Gomez, Kent Putz, Matt
Steenhoek, (yes the same group in elementary) and I. We sat
together at lunch sometimes, (more in 6th and 7th grade)
but, once 8th grade hit, I was sitting more with my girl
friends then my guy friends. I was notoriously known for
getting in trouble with many of my guy friends. Brian
Cousins and I were particularly awful in Mrs. Archer and
Mrs. Bird’s classes. We would talk and laugh all the time
making fun of things in both classes. Needless to say, I
think Mrs. Archer more then anyone was glad when we
graduated the 8th grade.

I tried out for one sport in middle school and that was
basketball. I didn’t get to play though because I wasn’t
able to get a physical. I was the manager instead. I
enjoyed this. I was better at helping people then playing
anyway. This also got me closer to Mr. Tuttle, who is one
of the coolest teachers I’ve met. I only managed for 8th
grade year, and haven’t touched a basketball since.

Mr. Tuttle also ran middle school Supplies and More. I only
worked in that place about two times because I wasn’t
comfortable with money, and also fairly poor at math. So I
avoided it as much as I could.

I only remember going to church during Wednesday nights for
youth, and that only lasted as long as I was forced to go.
I wasn’t comfortable there and really didn’t enjoy myself
at all. Much to the disappointment of my grandmother, I
stopped going altogether.

Middle school dances really weren’t composed of much. Most
stood around and didn’t dance at all, and those who did
normally knew they looked foolish doing so. I was one of
the foolish looking ones. Knowing this, I only went to two
middle school dances and that was towards the end of my 8th
grade year.

I remember the 8th grade "graduation party. We went to the
YMCA in Knoxville and played around. We were all very happy
it was over with. I was very hyper and content that night.

MMM...BACON!

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can’t I?"


To fly over the rainbow would have been great! I entered my
freshmen year like every other middle schooler. Fresh to
the new world and content with a clean slate, (though it
didn’t last long mind you) I decided it was a nice start.

My freshman year was the most hectic year of all. I took a
full load with no study hall. This was not a new thing for
me because I didn’t have a study hall in 8th grade either.
I seemed to be doing well in school until I hit one
class... Algebra 1. I was told that I should go into that
class because I was, "very capable of doing the work." I
was mislead horribly. I struggled in that class and even
got help, but only passed with a D. This became a
discouraging feeling because if I had only barely passed
Algebra 1, how was I going to pass the rest of my math
classes for my high school career? When I finally hit GTA1,
it happened. For the first time in my life I failed a
class. I saw it coming so as a result was not phased by it
too much. I am currently trying it again.

The rest of my freshman year was filled with lots of band
performances. At one point in time I was doing 12 groups or
performances. It was very hectic. Also being a freshman, it
was a time to learn how to adjust fast to pressures of all
kinds. Most weeks I would practice 2-4 hours a day because
I wanted to be the best. I was the best and got first chair
on my trombone, but soon got tired and wanted something
new. I started to learn the baritone my freshmen year and
discovered I was very good at it. I didn’t’ start playing
baritone in actual concert band until my sophomore year,
but I did play it in some of the solo/ensemble groups I was
in for state.

Theater and speech took up the rest of my time. The only
thing I missed my freshmen year was tryouts for the high
school play. Amazingly enough, I still got to perform for
it because Mrs. Perrenoud and Kevin Hosobond directed a
melodrama and I got to play in the band that performed
before the play. After that, I was involved heavily in
large group and individual speech. My first experience was
the "Orphan Train." I wasn’t the best in the cast and
everybody was more worried about me than themselves so when
we performed they weren’t up to their best. We didn’t make
it past districts that year.

On the other hand I excelled in individual speech. Of
course, this could be do to the obsessive compulsive
practicing I did in order to get ready. I would practice
with any on I could get my hands on and the hours I spent
on my literary program was a crazy amount. I would stay
after school from 3:30 p.m. to 9 p.m., practicing usually
with Kevin Hosbond. Most of my year was spent with Kevin
for speech or Mr. Young for band.

Mr. Young is one of the most influential people in my life.
My freshman year I spent more time with Mr. Young then his
wife did, or so I heard. He put me in every honor band he
could. He believed in me when I didn’t believe in my as a
instrumentalist.

When I first met Mr. Young I asked how long he was going to
stay because of the previous 2 music teachers leaving. Mr.
Young understood my state of mind in questioning him up
front about how long he was going to be around.

"I will stay atleast to the end of your senior year."

I was satisfied with this answer, but unsure if he was true
in what he said.

It’s now my senior year and he is till here. Doing well
with a good band program. That grows yearly and gains new
talent each year.

I’ve been in band full time for my entire high school
career. I’ve also been in choir for four years, three years
of them part time. I do take both seriously though it may
seem differently. I just know band is my strength of the
two. So, I work harder to be a stronger musician then a
singer.

Band has taken me places I know I’d never have the chance
to go other wise. To get to go to Florida and Georgia was
more then I ever expected out of band. Band has also
allowed me to experience new relationships with new people
and old alike.

I went to high school for three years with Paul Schutt. I
knew he held allot of talent in him. The problem was that
he never used it to his full potential. This shouldn’t of
bothered me as much as it did. He just never tried against
me and in the end that is what bothered me the most.


"Even if we never talk again after tonight,
please remember that I am forever changed
by who you are and what you’ve ment to me."

I met Kris Harthorn my junior year. We clicked right away.
We both adopted each other from the get go. I’ve missed him
since he moved to Pella the summer before my senior year.
He was the one I confided in. The one I could go to when
times got rough my junior year. He in turn came to me when
he needed vent.

Kris cried the first item we really talked. If you’d ask
him today he’d say he doesn’t remember, but I do. I didn’t
know what to do or say to console him. He talked about how
no one would ever go out with him because of his flaws. I
tried to comfort him as best I could, but a low self-esteem
in any person is hard to console.

I believe he will go far in life. He is a smart boy who
will grow to be a great man someday. All he needs to do is
to believe in himself.


"She is the angel with scabbed wings."

I’ve known of Alexis Johnson since I moved to Monroe. We
kind of talked here and there through elementary and middle
school, but nothing to deep. When high school hit we began
to talk more. It’s ashame we didn’t bond earlier in life,
but I am so glad to have gotten the chance to know her now.

Alexis is one of the most amazing people I’ve met in my
entire life. She holds strength and beauty inside and out.
She doesn’t get treated as well as she should be the people
she calls friends and family, but once she gets out of here
she will be something great in the world, something people
with be inspired by.

"I know I have something so free,
I have something so alive."

Katie Green I met around about the time I met Kris H. We
didn’t click right away though. I was having a rough time
when Katie entered my life and to be honest she wasn’t
making things any easier. I didn’t approve of most of the
things she said or did. It took awhile to get use to her
style of doing things and at the time we met I wasn’t up
for being open minded.

As the year went on we seemed to get closer. She is a
interesting soul. Most people can’t stand her. I love the
girl to death. She understands things most people wouldn’t
about me and accepts them. I enjoy her company allot,
though I don’t approve of her behavior sometimes.

Katie shows so much potential for the future. I believe she
will be something special that will surprise us all.

Drama has been the other significant activity in my life. I
feel in love with every aspect of it. From tech to acting I
have done very well since I’ve started. I went to
individual all-state my sophomore year. I did a piece my
mother did and took it further then she did.

After doing allot of oral interpretation speeches I was
allowed to couch others on the technique of oral
interpretation. I was getting to help other become great
speakers and I loved that feeling.

As for the school plays I have never tired out for one. The
closest I’ve gotten to a play was a large group speech
acting piece. I memorized it in 2 1/2 days and did quite
well the first performance. Many people were quite
impressed with this. Infact I was quite impressed with this
cause I am not sure how I accomplished such an act.

The best thing about being in drama was the fact you could
become a thespian. My freshmen year I earned enough points
to be initiated in to thespian troupe 3332. I’ve loved
being a thespian ever since. Being a thespian has allowed
me to become part of something great.

My junior year I was selected to be on the Iowa Thespian
State Board. I must have wanted that spot so badly I could
taste it and when I went into the interview I became
someone even Mike Czerwiec was surprised to see. I had
never been so confident in my life. Every answer I said I
could back up and even my walk became more confident once I
entered the interview. I was so happy when they called me
up on to the stage because I was chosen to be on the state
board.

I was adopted pretty much from my freshmen year by one of
the sweetest people in my life. Linda Perrenoud or Mamma as
I call her took me into her life quite quickly after we
met. She had known my mother and she didn’t want my path in
life to be like my mom’s.

I love Mrs. Perrenoud like she was my own mother. I would
do anything for her. I hope to never disappoint her and to
always make her proud.

Mrs. Perrenoud has always been there when I needed her I
fear that I many have not been there for her when she
needed me the most. She had been going through allot since
9/ll happened. Her sister died and when that happened all
of the sudden the so many problems in my life didn’t seem
so important to talk about with her anymore. I guess I just
closed off and she started to get upset when I talked to
others about my problems. I didn’t mean to hurt her by
doing this I just didn’t want to bother her. In the end I
just didn’t know what to do.

She has inspired me to be the best I can be . I hope to
make her proud in the end. I will never forget everything
she has done for me.

Mike Czerwiec was the first outed homo-sexual man I had
ever met. This puzzled me when people came up to me and
told this in a secretive way. When it didn’t seem he kept
it a secret.

Mike is a very out spoken driven man when he wants to be.
That being said. I pose a question. Why did he come back to
stay after being in L.A. where he clearly loves being?
Maybe one day I’ll ask this question so I can get an answer.

Mike has also been there for me when I have needed him and
he uses me to vent at when he needs to. We especially got
to bond on our way to Nebraska for International Thespian
Convention. In the end I was so glad it was just me and him
that went. I got to see and know more about him in a not so
sheltered environment and it was great.

Tip Current became my benefactor during my sophomore year.
He had found out how much I was doing and wanted to do in
school, but wasn’t able to do to lack of money. He helped
me financially when I needed it the most and I am very
grateful for that.

Heather Hall was the only friend that ended up divorcing
me. Which sounds weird, but in the end was understandable.
Our freshmen year we spent allot of time together. As
sophomore year came an went I guess I got stuck in a
pessimistic cynical mood and it was bringing her down.
After she divorced me I started to change for the better,
for her.

Heather has been a very valuable friend through the years.
She was there for me when I needed her junior year. I in
return helped her to rationalize things that happened in
our little side of the world.

Heather is a very strong willed girl. Who I believe will
become a very successful woman one day. She is amazingly
independent more so then any of my other friends, more so
then even me. She will make it as far as she wants to.

Michelle Cabbage is my first girl crush. She was one of
the single most strong willed and beautiful people I had
ever met and that only made her more attractive to me.
Feeling this helped me realize that I have been attracted
to girls as much as I have been to boys. since I've
discovered this I have been exploring the fact that I am bi-
sexual.

Michelle Cabbage I only got close to after she participated
in the play her senior year. She truly does have an
beautiful voice, but what attracted me to her was her
strong will and beautiful soul.

I wish I could of had more time to get to know her, but I
do cherish the time I had with her. I just hope she is able
to believe in herself enough to succeed in what she wants
to in life.

My family, well what can I say about all of them they
aren’t the most support and we really don’t get along most
of the time. I guess when it comes down to it we all love
each other, but we don’t like each other. This means we
fight allot atleast the half of my family does, the part I
live with

My mom, Tina, and Jason make up my immediate family. My
grandma use to live with us until she had enough of us.
When she moved I was so angry that she left me alone with
Tina and Jason again. I despised the fact I have had to
take care of them both since I was 8 years old.

When Tina and Jason were young I could understand they
needed to be watched and taken care of. That being said, I
believe it is ridiculous to have to tell a now 13 year old
girl and 16 year old boy when they need to take showers and
what not. They are both very capable and smart people when
they want to be and I know both could be very successful in
life. If they could see that someday they will be fine.

Mike and Kyle Hayes are the other half of my half siblings
from my dad’s side. I haven’t gotten to spend much time
with them so I don’t them as well as I would like. I do
know their lives haven’t been all that easy.

Mike is the closest to my age. I feel I have a connection
with him and he seems to understand me, so much so he even
wrote a poem for me.


So I Am Told

I’m a 17 year old girl with miss colored hair,
sparkles and funny clothes who feels lonely
sometimes.
I do not ask to be understood because I can’t even
understand myself.
I ask to be accepted,
I ask to be accepted as I am.
I do not want to be told what potential I have,
or what my future holds.
I do not want to be told that I’m going nowhere in life
because I skipped a math test.
I question my existence, my meaning.
I question what the "real world" is, and why I’m not
there.
I feel happy with no shoes on.
I feel lonesome in a crowded room.
Sometimes my heart bleeds and I cry.
Laughter echoes in my mind.
I am told to be different,
to be myself.
But when I am told what to wear and how to act.
I like to write and rumors hurt.
I don’t know how to dance, but I try to anyway.
Please don’t try to understand me, nor judge me
to quickly.
my name doesn’t matter,
my heart is open.


Kyle is a cute boy. Who I have lots of fun with when I do
get to spend time with him. I know he misses me when he
doesn’t get to see me for so long at a time. I miss them
both so much. I will take the time I do get with them and
make the most of it.

My junior prom was the beginning of one of the single most
frustrating experiences I had ever encountered in my entire
life. This might not have been so, except I had to be an
involved person on building the stage decorations.

Prom decoration is one of the single most aggravating
things in the world. Out of the people who happened to show
up to help most were useless and many wouldn’t listen when
they needed to. Then to help the aggravation of decorating
people would come to me about Megan (which will be
explained later) like I was to care for her.

After working till 2 a.m. I got to sleep and then went to
the Aalber’s house to get my hair done with Jill Blackledge.

Jill and I have an bacon obsession. So we decided it would
be a good idea to fry some up and eat it as we were getting
our hair done.

I’ve known Jill since 3rd grade. We became good friends in
middle school when we had Mrs. Frazier’s class together. We
would color on each other with pen and one day Jill pulled
my hair for 45 min. straight. Those were fun times.

High school has made our friendship stronger. We see many
things the same and we have great discussions on many
different subjects.


Jill , I believe will do superior things in the job she
chooses. Of course I do hope it’s something she truly
loves. She doesn’t deserve to be miserable just because she
is capable of doing anything. She deserves to be happy with
what she wants and not what others want or want to pressure
her into.

I went to prom with Brad Duckstien. It was so sweet of him
to go with me when he didn’t have to. I am not sure if he
would have done it for anyone one else, but I am glad he
did it for me.

Brad and I brought Rebecca Kono and her date with us. We
went to eat at La Cabana. The food was good and I had fun
all night. It was a good experience I was glad to be a part
of.

Matt Steenhoek I have mentioned before in here. I’ve known
Matt since 3rd grade. I have also known that he has liked
me since 3rd grade. I’ve never made a move to peruse it any
further than just knowing it. He has yet to approach me
about it either.

Matt has changed over the years. He is more vocal and not
as shy about things as once was. I am very impressed with
the change and if he asked me to be his girlfriend I would
say yes.

Tom Moralez has known about my darker side for quite
sometime. High school truly brought our friendship to new
levels of understanding each other. We both have a love for
gothic images and darkness.

When I am with him talking about things and people over
hear use they are appalled bye what they hear. We talk
about torture and pain. Quite often we are laughing through
out it all.

Perhaps this twisted sense of humor comes from both our
pasts. We each have had allot of pain in our lives that has
helped us see in a different perspective then most people
around us. The world isn’t bad it’s just not perfect. We
see this very clearly and understand it more and more as
time goes on.

This now brings me to my mother, Ronda Elam. She is he soul
purpose of me being as strong as I am through life is from
example of this woman. She has been as strong as she can be
through out all of th what has happened to her. I look up
to her and hope I am as strong as her in the future.

John Sponseller is my mom’s current boy friend. they have
been going out way longer then I ever expected them to.
Now, he’s even talking about moving in. I am not sure how I
feel about this, but it will be interesting if he does do
it.

Yvonne Berhow is perhaps the most kindest people I have
ever encountered in my life. Not only that, but she is very
book smart. She just doesn’t use it allot of the time
anymore. Though she has allot of potential in life she has
to want more then she has right now. She deserves
everything in the world and I do hope she gets it through
out life.

Bobby Banta is just a sweety. That’s all I can say about
him. He made me laugh when I needed it most and he was
there when I needed him most. I miss him since he has moved
even though we have gotten to talk now and the it doesn’t
replace the time we had my junior year.

Bobby I bi-sexual, he helped me when I was confused about
who I was during my junior year. He supported me when I
had no one else to.

Bobby is a beautiful soul who brings light to allot of
people’s lives. I just wish he could see that and how
beautiful he is inside and out because he truly is
beautiful. He lacks he self-esteem to see this though.
Maybe someone someday will help him to see himself the way
he needs to be truly happy with himself.

"Throughout history, man has fought man wars and battles,
yet to this day wars and battles rage on. So violence does
not end when one counters violence with violence. No, the
only that ends is more innocent lives."

~Gary Barnes~

As we look into the night we see our fears and cower in the
corner alone unprotected and wish to be unseen. While
someone from the dark sees our fears and uses them against
us. Well, our bully has pushed use beyond our fear we have
been jolted and forced into being a whole nation a whole
being. We will no long be afraid. The terrorist acts of
9/11/01 has not forced up deeper into the corner it has
brought us out into the dark, into our fears. We have
turned on the light and now see we are not alone from a
single person, to families, spouses, children, schools ,
businesses, armed forces, nations countries, and a world
has been untied and has become one entity. We will not
stand alone any more we will fight as one to over come the
evil that has been done to not just one nation but to all
nations.


These are the words I wrote the day after 9/11. I was so
inspired by the whole situation that I wrote it rather
quickly. I brought it to school the next day and showed it
to Mrs. Perrenoud. Later on that day after school I was in
the room when someone came to her asking for a speech to be
read before the foot ball game that Friday. I showed them
both what I had wrote and it was read that Friday night.
Mrs. Perrenoud also showed it to Mrs. Grier and it got
published in the school news paper the next week. I got
allot of compliments on the piece. Infact my grandmother
put it in the family round robin letter so everyone could
see it.

Josh Pline came into my life rather oddly. He came from
Newton and was attending the band camp before our junior
year. It was a fluke when I met him. I was actually feeling
sociable.

"Hi! My name is Lisa!"

I said in a rather loud weird voice as he gave me a an
equally weird look. From that point on it was safe to say
we were going to have an interesting relationship. I call
him baby tube and he calls me mama tube, needless to say
there are dirty minds behind those nick names.

Josh came to Monroe to hide from his past and have a new
start. Well this didn’t end up being the case. News spreads
fast in a small town and his problems in Newton spread
faster then wild fire. I was about the only one who didn’t
judge him by his past. I have been judge in that way and
don’t think it is fair to do it to others.

He has a short temper and I am about the only one who can
keep him in line, but over all he is a good kid. I value
his friendship allot. I couldn’t do allot of things I do to
him to anyone else. That is something I know for sure.

Ashleigh Ford and Nolan Malmquist are the most adorable
couple in the world. They are also both good friends.
Ashleigh has been a friend quite longer then Nolan. Other
then that they are wonderful.

Ashleigh and I also think alike in many areas especially
with logic areas. We get annoyed by "stupid" people. We had
and still do have sick minds in certain areas and we never
hide it.

Nolan is an odd fellow really. He’s a genius, mind you.
Still just very odd. Which is what makes a genius I guess.
Which makes him perfect for Ashleigh.

Travis Marcum is the most troublesome person in my life. He
tortures me every chance he gets and it only gets worse if
I fight back so I just stay silent. People have told me he
likes me. This is hard for me to believe because when have
been known enemies since middle school. It does seem though
that he tries so hard to have my attention everyday. This
is all I will say about him though.

"She hurts me still. She has been such a major part of my
life. She has the power time and she doesn’t know it. She
knows me better then most and can hurt me more than anyone.
That is what scares me.

I pushed her away for good reasons but with bad reactions.
I have guilt now as I have before. If she would have died I
know I would be worse. No one understands. Of course no one
knows the real reason yet. Maybe no one will but, I will
have to unload this on the one person who will need to know
this and of course its the one person who won’t be able to
handle it.

I know she isn’t taking her meds right and also that she is
still thinking of killing herself. With knowing that I
still see it, it use to be only in the back of my mind. Now
its clear as day when I see her, I see her dying in
different ways. The fact that she’s tried reinforces what
thoughts I had before. I don’t know how to tell her this
and I don’t know if she will listen, as she hasn’t in the
past.

It’s killing me that I can’t find away to tell her.
Divorcing her or telling her I wanted to work on our
relationship was what needed to be done. If I didn’t do
what I did we both would have been hurt more or is that
something I need to say to help myself make it feel alittle
bit all right. Only alittle and only for alittle bit of
time."


I wrote that during my junior year. Megan had been cutting
herself and she had told me and heather that she was
thinking about killing herself. Neither Heather or I told
anyone and that Monday I found out she did try. I just hurt
me to much, my thoughts and my emotions hadn’t been the
same since she started having problems and as much as I
loved her and wanted to be there for her. I couldn’t do it
not after she tried.

We have slowly built an friendship back up. It’s not the
same though. After having such a break from her I see her
very differently. It’s not a bad thing really I just see
her both ways. The way everyone else saw her and they way I
see her. Both ways mix and I guess I see clearer now then
before about the entire subject. It is still hard though.

I believe in Megan, but like alot of my friends she lacks
the self-esteem to see clearly what her future could be.
She could be something amazing in her adult life. I know it
would take allot of strength on her part, but I do believe
she can do it. That is if she wants it badly enough.

I am also friends with Megan’s younger sister Kim. Kim is a
very creative and fun girl. With allot of life in her. Her
spirit is so heart warming in bad times and good alike. She
is a very strong will and strong souled girl and I am sure
she’ll do great things in the world when she is let loose
into it.

Well, I guess it’s my turn. High school has given me many
experiences and not a one of them I would change because
they all have helped me become the person I am today. I am
very grateful for each person that has touched my life in
every way.

Sexuality hasn't ever been a problem for me. I was raised
in a strong religious back ground. Though I never realized
I would be facing the doubt of my own back ground it has
become clear that I am bi-sexual. The problem comes in
that my grand mother isn't as open minded as my mother
would be about it and if i tell my mother she would tell my
grandma. Some of my friends now know but not all of them.
I am kind of worried about some of them. One of the ones i
told said they would pray for me. I don't think that is
what I need. Heh, I guess if thats what helps them with it
ok.

Jake Manning’s death as much as I wish it did, didn’t have
a big affect on my life. The one thing I did see from it
was it brought my class together for a common reason. It is
ashame that the reason had to be a death. Almost every one
of us was there at the funeral.

I had written a paper the school year before Jake killed
himself. It was about suicidal and masocistic tendensies.
Most of my friends I have online and off are either cutters
or suicidal. Once Jake killed himself. I took my paper
away from the teacher. To have done a research paper and
then have something happen was to much. I kept thinking if
I would had been there for him like I was being there for
Megan maybe I could have helped. I soon learned better on
both accounts.

After Jake’s death I began to think about how anything can
happen through life. This made me realize I can’t allow
myself to get over whelmed by life anymore. I have been
fighting along time to get over the depression I have been
feeling for a long time and I am succeeding, finally. I
believe I will soon be ready for the world and when that
day comes. I will have a smile on my face.

EH.

"If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
why, oh why can’t I?"


Eh, is my favorite descriptive word is satisfies enough and
yet is completely vague. Leaving people feeling slightly
confused why I would use that word to describe things is
what I love.

In the future I am not sure what I want to do or where I
want to go. The one thing I am very sure about is that I
don’t want to be in Monroe or Iowa when I do it.

I will continue to follow the yellow brick road until I
find my Oz. When I do then there will be a definite answer
as to what lies ahead for the future and what I want for
the rest of my life.