redstarfish2

No Matter How Hard I Try...
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2002-11-02 01:26:33 (UTC)

Trying to Make Sence of This All

(I wrote this about 20 mintues ago when I was in my room)
***
I'm sitting here, trying to make sence of everything I'm
feeling. I'm in my room, in the dark, with a blacklight and
some insence burning. I have Dashboard Confessionals
playing in the background. Somehow, this offers serenity
and makes it easier to think.
***
I'm just going to call this person he, him, that guy, etc.
I'm sure most of you will guess who this "mystery" guy is
by the end though.
***
MY sister brought to my attention that I was only talking
to this guy for 3 months. I was counting the month I met
him which is where I got 4 months from. Sorry about the
confusion with that one. It's my fault.
***
Anyways, I never did go out with this guy, but I did really
want to. He doesn't date much. He's pretty picky, and so am
I. I got to know him and somehow got attached. I got
attached becasue I took the time to get to know him instead
of meeting him and going out with him right away. This is
the closest I have come to caring as much about someone as
I cared for Tim. The CLOSEST in 2 years.
***
Lets take a detour really quick and I'll fill you in on
Tim, then you aren't so lost. I went out with Tim from the
summer of 6th-the beginning of 8th on and off. Mainly on
though. Unfortunitly, he died. I really loved and cared
about him. He died 2 years ago. I miss him.
***
Back on track, I really like this guy. I don't think he
cares about me like that anymore though. He said he did at
one point, but I don't know how true that is now. I think I
waited to long. I should have asked him out. (He doesn't
ask girls out) Well, after last Saturday (it's explained in
previous entries...probably dated somewhere around the 27th
of October) I swore to foget him and move on...even though
I still hadn't gone out with him. It worked at first. But I
had dreams with him in them...I've had them every night
sience Tuesday night. But I failed and started to like him
again Wednesday. Yep, that not liking him lasted a whole 4
days. lol. I'm really pathetic. I'm really not sure if he
likes me though, he sends really mixed signals. Somehow, I
really don't think he likes me as more than a friend. But I
am too scared to ask him :( I suck. I'm really confused.
*sigh* I wish this was easy.
***
A part of me is mad. I mean, he should have had the decency
to call me. He does owe me and explination, one that isn't
bullshit.
***
Another part of me doesn't care. I'm willing to forget the
past for another chance with him. I'm willing to let
everything slide.
***
I am also scared of being hurt again. I don't think he
meant to hurt me most the time, but he still did. One day
he'd care about me, the next day he'd blow me off and
ignore my existence. After a while, it did a number on my
emotions.
***
All this over a guy I never dated. I'm pathetic. Please, if
you have any feedback, whether it be positive or negative,
help me out. I'd really appreciate it. If not, thanks for
at least listening.
***
I think I'll let this all sort itself out.
***
Oh, this one girl seems to think me doing stuff I really
shouldn't is becasue of her influence. Um...I hate to brake
it to you, and you know who you are, but we really don't
hang out much and you are trying to take credit for MY
actions. My doing that and calling Jess was pureply MY
decision. It had NOTHING at all to do with you. You're
influence did nothing considering you told me not to do it.
It was my own decision. You had no part in it.


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