cloudcadet

My Life
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2001-08-10 17:57:55 (UTC)

Unconfidently and Hopefully awaiting the worst.

Hello hello hello...
blah blah blah.
K.
Unconfidently and hopefully awaiting the worst? Yes, that's
me at the moment. Does it make any sense to you? O well, I
am not writing for you now am I? Ok, well I will break it
down, for me not for you, because I need a better grasp on
my situation. I am sure that the phrase perfectly fits the
feeling...but I don't know where it came from and only
slightly know myself what it means.
Unconfidently - I don't even know it that's a word. Well,
it's a word now, in my dictionary at least. If it were a
word, it would be the opposite of confidently, which would
mean the same as confident. So it's the opposite of that.
And yes, very true.
Hopefully - well, it's hope, with an ful, hopeful, and an
ly, hopefully. So I am hoping for the results I want, but
not expecting it.
awaiting the worst - to start, the worst really isn't that
bad. I mean, of course, at this VERY moment it is, but
really it's like no big deal. The worst to me would be not
getting into college next month. I'm sure that I will be
able to get in in December...but I don't have anything to do
till then and I don't feel that I have the time to wait.
Also, there is this guy that I REALLY like, if you've read
anything else you've a tiny bit about him. But he has a
girl, and I am sure he couldn't like a freaky chick like me,
and he has a girl. So I guess I am not really waiting. But I
feel like I am, I feel like I am waiting for something to
happen between us...I dunno...weriod.
Ok, yea so COLLEGE. OMG I have to make it. I have to get in.
No I don't. What's meant to happen will happen. It'll all be
for the best. Shut up postivity! You suck with your
happiness and joy and all that SHIT...you make me sick. No,
I will scream louder than you, negativity! You are just
upset and hurting and you refuse to see the good things in
life. Oh yea, well you hide from all the terrible things. DO
you know how may children are abused, women are raped, and
people are murdered each day? We bask in negativity, we have
no other choice. we find the pleasure in the pain, while you
turn your head and close your eyes. Yea well at least I
don't let it bring me down and swallow so much of it that my
stomache feels filled with sharp blades. You don't know what
your talking about...you know nothing of the darkness that I
dwell in...you know not my reasons. You refuse to see
everything! Well at least I can see period.
WHAT? I NEED TO ESCAPE MY BRAIN!

y e s . . . o k t h e n , a n y w a y . . . b a c k t o
t h e p o i n t o f t h i s e n t r y ...shall we?

Dude, I hope that I can get into college. I hope I hope. I
doubt it tho. My scores are high enough to waver
pre-college, but I have too many class cuts...damn it I am
so stupid stupid stupid! STUPID ME, BAD STUPID ME! And for
what damn it??? For two more months in this hellish
situation? Ok, so it's not even hellish, I know this, but it
sucks. Most of the time it's ok. But the people and the
attitudes and the bullshit...
example ; I usually eat alone. I like to eat alone, in
peace. (when I first got here this girl was like cassie, sit
over here with us, don't be a loner, and I say "but I am! I
am an isolated loner! Let me be!") So there are no tables
and I sit with these girls and all they talk about are
bustin nuts and sex with moms in the room or whatever
bullshit...puck! Im tryin to eat here! Damn it anyway...
frustration...
I have to go now. Later


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