Life as I know it.
2001-08-10 08:27:12 (UTC)

crying doesnt make anything better

So i was lying in bed thinking about when I have to leave
here......its gona suck. I know Im going to leave
Pittsburgh forever in less than a year, there is nothing
here for me. Im gonna miss my friends a lot actually,
thats why i was crying. I do not really want outta here,
but I have no future here. And i was just thinking, I mean
it really sucked when I had to have Matt outta my life,
cause I did love him, but I also really love my friends,
and believe me I have a lot of them that I just dont ever
want to say good bye to. And out of all of them, besides
alan who is going to Boston, I am giong to really be the
first one who is truly gone. ANd its not just college
friends, its highschool friends since i grew up only 20
mins away. Friends that I have known most of my life, that
is really gonna suck, and im crying already, just cause
thinking of it is really hard to do.
Im already lonely here without everyone back to go to
school. and once end of august hits everyone will be here,
and that will be great. But then if I can leave im leaving
in december, and trying not to look back. But I cant say
that, I will always look back. I seriously do not know if
I have the strength to say goodbye to everyone, forever. I
mean I know Ian see them again, but what the hell are the
chances that I will see everyone at one time? Basically
one in a million. ANd god i havent cried like this for
over a month when i was still hopelessly inlove with
Matt...but Im even more hopelessly in love with my friends,
and i know it all has to end, that I do have to move on to
make myself and my life much better, but im horribly
terrified that these may have been the best years of my
life afterall. Sometimes it takes a little too much
thinking to realize all of this shit. ANd it sucks, oh it
so sucks. Im just sick of having to have everyone go out
of my life, at one point or another, someone always has to
leave my life, either by their choice or mine, and it
really sucks when its by mine. I just dont know how to let
go. I wish I could be one of those people who could just
say fuck it, but I cant, and when I leave its gonna be a
million times worse than what Im feeling now. I know it
is, but I have to get outta here, dont I? and if it isnt
me that goes it will be one of them, so why not I just
wish I knew like the end of the story so I know everything
will work out fine in the end, but its not like that, in
fact everything can work out horribly wrong in the end.
Only time will tell. Sometimes I just wish I could
seriously tell people how the fuck I felt about them,
seriously, I think my friends think sometimes im just
faking it all when i say i miss them and that i do in fact
love them, but i mean it I fucking mean it. Just someone
tell me everything will be alright......