firebug435

snow angels
2002-10-31 18:16:54 (UTC)

fucking fantastic

welcome to the stress of my life. was supposed to get mri
today, but had issues with insurance company. first, back-
and-forth pretending i was a doctor, attempting to get
phone numbers to make sure would be covered by insurance.
then discovered apparently no longer have any insurance, as
it termed in august. wonderful. really appreciate them
being on top of things, and making my life easy. so have to
cancel mri appointment, hope i don't really need but but
don't think it do anyway. am going back to practice today,
can't handle sitting around doing nothing anymore. plus, if
don't get back on the boards soon, am afraid that will be
too scared to do anything when i do go back. means too much
to me, am not willing to give this up because of some
stupid injury. absolutely flat-out refuse. am slightly
afraid that will hurt myself more, but fuck it. would
rather know for sure that absolutely can't do it anymore
than sit here being a pansy and wondering if it will be
okay. 'sides, neck doesn't hurt THAT badly anymore. if
going to do things, must do them all the way. none of this
halfway bullshit. also, if break neck this time, won't have
to go to class for awhile, that's a nice thought. speaking
of which, am not in class right now, am supposedly writing
theory midterm, but got as far as looking at textbook
sitting, closed, on my desk. is good enough for now, will
very likely fail that class anyway, but at this point don't
particularly care. gave m pep talk last night, am tired of
people having pity parties and feeling sorry for
themselves, is absolutely ridiculous, knows that he's smart
and that his life is not a waste of time. so pep talk
consisted of yelling at him and telling him to get the hell
over his being mad at the world stage, and then maybe
there'd be a chance of him being happy. felt sort of bad,
as his friend died a few weeks ago, but he said it helped a
lot, so who knows. originally attempted to be sympathetic,
but wasn't very good at it. also, still slightly pissed
that he never called back the other night. good thing i
wasn't waiting on him. disappointed that the nicest guy
i've ever known can still be an asshole and not think about
things...but can't hold a grudge, and tend to take a lot of
shit from people, so oh well. he knows that he fucked up,
good enough for me. last night with f was...alright,
suppose. never knew bingo would be nearly so interesting,
most vivid group of people have ever met, wrote so many
stories in my head last night but none of them lasted. most
were depressing, am trying to get away from that stage. f's
car sucks (rather, f is not so good at driving it) so got
caught in the snow several times, kid needs to get his shit
together and get a car w/ 4 wheel drive. says hates snow,
don't understand it. also, anti-abortion. rather
disappointed, but understand, sort of. not something could
ever do, but have different perspective than most...not
sure am attracted anymore, just lack of other prospects, i
suppose. but in any case, is irrelevant, since no interest
from him. at least, is what he says. am not so sure. but am
trying not to think about it. don't just call me
pessimistic, try and read between the lines.




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