i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2002-10-31 13:16:47 (UTC)

ok, more of a continuation of something or other

So today is supposedly the big day. How do I feel? How
do you feel? Excited. Nervous. Confused. Yes, that's
it. Very confused. Do I want this? Yes. Will there be
reprecussions? I sure as hell hope not.

How did this happen. A week ago I was crying and feeling
lonlier than I had ever felt before in my life, and now,
now I'm going to have sex with Anthony and we are closer
than we could have ever been.

We're just friends.

But I'm beginning to wonder if that's just a facade so
neither of us feel trapped in a relationship that we don't
really want to feel committed to. I mean, come on. I'm
not seeing anyone else. I would hazard a guess and say
that he's not either. So why exactly did he break it off
in the first place? Why send me spiraling through some
sort of depression and lonliness?

"You know, I really enjoy our late-night conversations."

"Me too."

"I was really very lonely without you. You have no idea
how lonely I was."

"Me too."

So then why? Do I even want to know why? Maybe it's to
keep from feeling trapped. In fact, I'm almost sure
that's what it is. I don't want to feel that. Do I love
him? Yes, of course I do. Does he love me? No, I don't
think he does. I don't think he knows what love is. For
that matter, there's the chance that neither do I.

Love is stereotyped into a corner like I never believed
possible. From society and media and television and high
school, you're presented this idea of love that I don't
think could possibly be true.

"Love is being happy all the time." Bullshit. That's not
love. That's just deception. Hiding from reality.

I don't understand how people can experience heartbreak
with the ending of a relationship. How can you feel
jealous if love is not returned.

You love because that's what you do. Not because you want
to be loved back. Not because you enjoy that person's
company. Not because they make you smile and happy all
the time.

You love them because you do. Love for the sake of
loving. If you're not, then I really don't think you're
doing it right.

Love is an action. It's a verb. It's not an emotion.
It's not a noun. It's something you do. You live. You
breathe. You love.

I seriously love incredibly too easily. I don't know why
I do it. I can't help it. I would honestly give my life
for anyone else.

I love you. I do. And it doesn't matter if you don't
love me. I'll still love you. I can't help it.




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