Pensive Lady

Snapshot of my soul
2001-08-10 00:42:39 (UTC)

First Entry

Wow a lot of different things are going on in my life and
yet not that much. It seems there are a whole bunch of
thoughts that pop into my head and my dreams, many of which
I invite in and then wish I could stop from inviting in.

I've tried making sense of everything that has happened in
the last couple of years and I hope that this white space
will help me make sense of it.

I think it started back in around October of 98. Sure their
are other events prior to that. But I think I have to work
my way back to them from this moment.

You see in October of 98, my husband and I were vacationing
in Italy. I think it was the first night that we were there
that he said the words I had been longing to hear for a few
months now. Let's make a baby. This was our 2 year wedding
anniversary and this year also marked our 10 year
anniversary of our relationship. I was ready. I knew I was
ready when I came off the pill at the end of December 1997.
I was just waiting for him to say he was ready as well. And
he was. That night we made love softly. We wanted it to be
special. We liked the idea of saying you were concieved in
Rome - in this great city , of great heroes. We were very
much in love. We have been in love for such a long time -
10 years. Most couples did not last 10 years together. Most
couples. It was good. I remember thinking, I am so happy, I
am afraid. I remember thinking that a lot. What did destiny
have in store for us? What evil trick or twist of fate
would destiny put in our happiness? What outside force
would disrupt our happiness? Yes, I'm a worry wart.

Well a few months later, there was no baby. I was not
getting pregnant. Work was a nightmare - a true live
nightmare of chaos and deadlines and high priority
initiatives. It was also a time of tremendous growth for
myself. I was pushed to my full potential. It was exciting
and I felt very hyped about my contributions and the daily
power stuggles. The baby was not coming. I had been to the
doctors, everything seemed to be ok. I was told not to
think about it so much. So I tried putting this out of my
mind.