Laur10355

If I Could Say What I Wanna Say...
2002-10-31 01:32:11 (UTC)

after all, aren't we all recovering from something?

nothing ever looks quite as bad in the morning as it did
the night before.

i tossed and turned half the night, unable to lay my ghosts
to rest. i spent hours in that not quite awake but not
quite asleep wonderland, where you are vaguely conscious
but unable to control your thoughts. i love sleep more than
anything, but i've come to dread it for these moments. it
is in them that everything i've tried to push into the back
of my mind floods back at me.

and nothing could close the floodgates last night.

it was really almost like watching a movie. every single
thing i ever did with graham flashed across my mind, every
memory i've been trying so hard not to let myself think
about for fear that i'll forget my anger and actaully allow
myself to miss him.

anger, at its worst, is still preferable to the lonely
despair of losing something you know you can never get back.

i'll never get that back.


but i said it last night, and it's just as true now. i will
be fine. i'll get over it, i always do. but that's so much
of the problem... sometimes i feel like all i'm ever doing
is getting over something. some heartbreak, some agony,
some betrayal.

i think that there is such a big difference between
living and being alive.

and on days like today, i feel mostly dead.




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