My Psychotic Ramblings
Things that Piss me Off & How I'm feeling Now.
Well, I got and still am real upset about the med
situation. I don't think I can survive on the little that
I'm taking now. I seem to lose it more each day. I feel
Dissatisfied & Discontented. Empty & Hollow. Scared &
Frightened. Lonely & Separate. Separate becasue I'm
different. Nobody understands me, because I am so far "out
there." Maybe some people even think I'm normal. Those
people don't know my thoughts or see actions. They don't see
how I'm losing it, so close I am to have lost it all. But, the
people I share my enter most thoughts with, seem to ignore
them. But I can't blame them for me unloading too much
crap onto them. I just wish I could talk, like I write in
my journal, but to a person who has feedback. Somone to hang
out with and forget about my troubles, but also take some
tyme to talk about the pain and troubles so we get them
Orr.Orr.Orr. Do I have to make it through life all alone
with these jacked up thoughts and insane ideas. Never
knowing what's REAL. Never knowing if I'M REAL, or if the
people I'm with are REAL. Are my thoughts Real? Where do
these crayze ideas even come from? Why would, out of the
blue, from 10 months of not cutting, the idea to cut come
into my little mind? What set that off? Was it seeing
Joey's gnawed hands? What it because I had the opportunity
to do it freely? Was it simply because I was overwhelmed
with emotion and needed a release?
The stupid Celexa & Luvox, as a side effect make it to where I'm
enable to reach an orgasm. I'm going off of Celexa (thank the
gods), and I was supposed to be starting the Luvox but didn't. That
really frustrates me, about being unable to have an orgasm, because I
want to enjoy every aspect of my realationship with my
Beau. I know it frustrates him to, that he feels like he's
not good enough. But it's not him. It's the fucking meds.
I've been feeling on overload lately; really overwhelmed.
But it baffles me, for I have little I need to be doing.
I think because I'm used to being busy all the tyme, but
now I am empty, I just feel like I SHOULD be constantly
going, working, move, something. My mind is still in that mind set,
I guess. Perhaps I'm not overwhelmed with things I should
do, but rather from all the feelings and emotions inside of
I guess I can tolerate taking the Geodon and not having my
period. It's just real weird. I don't know what my body
is doing inside. Hey, I can't complain about this. I
don't have PMS anymore, so really things are quite cool.
I feel a little better after those thoughts. I think it's
smokey break tyme again..