blue_eyes

shots of color
2002-10-30 23:40:21 (UTC)

gotta love this diary thing...

i am so totally digging this. I love being able to write
whatever comes to my head and knowing that the probability
that someone i know will read this is slim to none. And
even if they do, i doubt they would guess it was me so
yeah, this shit is great. In case you cant tell, i also
want to be a journalist when i grow up (lol) and maybe an
author after that. I would love to write romance novels
(cheesy huh) but hey that is my dream so dont knock is
because i dont knock other people's dreams when they tell
me.
Wow, that just reminded me of something a friend told me
today. this is a girl that i have known since like seventh
grade but someone that i was never really all that close to
until this year and that is just cause we have hoomroom
together. She told me today that she almost committed
suicide once and she thinks about it alot. That one threw
me for a loop because i have to admit that she doesn't seem
the type. I guess that will teach me to take things at face
value without considering other factors as well. I guess
the reason that it blew me away so much is that i cant
understand why someone would take their own life. Maybe its
just my personality or something but i find too much joy in
my life to kill myself. I cant image not being here for,
well just not being here at all. I cant imagine me not
going out with all my friends ever weekend and not oogling
the hot guys we see, or just simply not being here. I'm not
a believer in fate in the sense of the word that there is
just one path and it is predestined and that is the path
you will follow. I believe in fate as set of choices that
you choose from that leads to whole nother set of choices
and so on and so forth. Of course there are signs to help
you to get to what you most desire(in my case true love).
But nothing is set in stone and i simply cant process the
idea that i would miss out on all that because i didn;t
have the will to wait a few years until i am on my own and
then i could live life on my terms and fuck what everyone
else thinks. But that is just me and i am sure that you are
so confused that you stopped reading a while ago, but i am
a maze of contridictions. Sometimes i dont even know how i
would react in a given situation because i continually
surprise myself. Like one time in eight grade, i had a
boyfriend who cheated on me and came to school with hickies
all over his face and throat. And when he told me and
showed me and appologized i laughed in his face and told
him he looked like his little brother colored all over his
face with a marker. Maybe that was cold but in all honesty
i barely knew the guy and i had had almost no time to make
an emotional attachment. I think that was like two weeks
into our relationship and since he cheated on me that early
i have to wonder if he really liked me at all. I think i
would react differently now though, because i'm a lot
different person now. I used to be quiet and subdued and
never made hardly a sound outside of my friends or family,
but now hell i dont care. I sing to the radio all the time
in my car and you should see the looks i get from people
when they realize that i am alone in the car. I find it
quite funny, but that is just the kind of person that i am.
My group of friends is really loud too. When ever we walk
into a place you can hear us clearly over the crowd. Not to
say that we aren't obnoxious because i am sure that some
people would find us that way, but we just all happen to
want to talk at once and our voices carry. But anyways,
back to Mike(the cheater) i think i would be rather pissed
if that happened to me now-a-days. i saw him at the fair
this year but i dont think he saw me. But that is ok, i
have no idea what i would say if i did talk to the boy, its
been almost three years since the last time i talked to
him. And thats ok too, i will say that my eight grade self
had good taste though because my sixteen year old self was
checkin him out before i realized who he was. But that all
gravy (or potatoes as my sister would say) becasue it
really doesn't matter anymore. I do want a boyfriend
though, and to clarify, i want Jeryd as my boyfriend. I'll
admit i dont know him all that well but from what i do know
of him, he is the perfect guy for me. And no one can tell
me that its not possible to find your true love when your
young like me because how can they know what it is possible
for me to do since they aren't me and they should let me
make my own mistakes. And what if its not a mistake? I
mean, what if he really is the one and i didn't go for it
because someone told me that you cant find true love when
your 16. Then that makes me a fool. Dont you agree? Well, i
do, and as this is my diary and my mind, that is all that
really matters. I could love that boy, if i am given half a
chance i really think that i could love him. I seem a lot
more serious about this one than all the others, and i
would know since i am me. I have this cool, singlemindness
that tells me i am serious about this one, for the simple
fact that i am thinking about it at all. Before, it was
like oh, he has the sexyest smile and i like him but with
Jeryd its his mind as much as his looks that attracts me. I
have to admire intelligence, and he has it in spades. Wow,
i talk about him a lot. What is something else i wanted to
put in here? ummmm,well you know i am horribe at small
talk. i think i smile too much, in all honesty. But i have
bad hearing ( or selective as my dad would say) so when i
dont know what a person said i smile or just change the
subject. Probably not the best method of dealing with
people, and i do love people. Wait, i admend that, i love
crowds. I just dont like to have one on one conversations
with someone. I find them too personal and i dont like to
reveal a lot of my feelings to people that i dont know, and
those i do still dont know it all. I never know what to
say to person i just met and i dont know how to get them to
talk about themselves, so i just smile. I bet people think
that i am such a bitch for it, but its not that i am mean,
because i'm not, i am just a little shy when it comes to
person to person contact. And it seems like i can never
quite say the right thing. I can charm people that i've
never seen before, but only if its not a two person
conversation. I just dont do those, but you know what, i
really do sound like a teenager in this one. I contradict
myself a lot, but what you have to understand is that i am
not contradicting myself, because i see all this stuff as not the
same, kinda like different facets of a diamond. It all depends on how
you look at things and the circumstances surrounding those things.
But well i think i'll go read some other people's stuff. I love this
diary stuff:)




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