helena

hii my first entry

I thought I'd keep a diary because I want to remember how
things were. Sometimes I forget my memories.

Privacy is an illusion~ when I was younger someone 'I know'
read my freaking diary and actually wanted to tell people
about it. It was so fucking irritating. It's alot better
when people dont know you since they aren't biased against
you. But if anyone wants to give me feedback you're welcome
to.

I'm confused right now. I feel really sad at the moment. I
am 22 year old female..I met someone about a year ago and
he lied to me about his age. He was 15.

We met at this library on the 3rd floor. I was wearing a
black skirt and blouse with black heals. He was sitting
with his back to me` he had on a dark blue top and khakis.
He was writing something`sitting facing a wall I think.
Anyways I didn't even look at his face and I was looking
for a book about J.D. Salinger and I was walking away from
the shelf. He glanced up at me and he said something I
didn't catch. He spoke very softly. when I looked at his
face I was struck by how beautiful it was. I dont know
how to describe it..he looked like someone ofout of a
reinaissance painting by da vinci or something he seemed
like he wasn't real..kind of like the watermark of Thomas
Jefferson on the $20 dollar bill. He had broad shoulders
and he had very very fair blond hair kind of long so that
it moved in waves and had big blue-grey eyes that were very
open.

So I come up closer and go 'huh?' He says 'I asked you to
come over here.' Then he stares at me~right into my eyes.
His lips were kind of pinkish red. So I got really
embarrased and I looked away at something else.
He keeps talking to me but I can't hear him coz he speaks
softly. So I look up at him again and he's still looking
in my eyes and hadn't moved.
So i'm like 'I have to go ok'.
So I go to the padded golden elevator and the doors are
almost closing when he slips in. and he doesn't say
anything either. Then he glances up and talks to me..I dont
remmeber all that he said. But he was asking about me etc
and what I liked to do. I kept laughing because he kept
asking me questions and I ended up answering him. I told
him I was divorced and he asked for my number. So I wrote
it down and gave it to him. I thougth he was leaving but
he asked me if he could walk with me. I said ok and told
him I was walking the 4 blocks down to the subway. So i was
asking him what he does etc..and he's like he plays guitar.
He kept talking really softly` like I had to get closer to
hear what he was saying.. So we got on the sidewalk` past
the historical buildings and its like there were a bunch of
women and their eyes were following us. I figured it's b/c
I was black and he was white and thats not common around
here. There were more comments from other people I didn't
see but I just kept walking. So I got to the metro and said
good-bye for the third time. THe he buys a ticket and
goes 'I'm going home too'. I'm like 'ohh ok'. So we get on
the train and he sits by the door and I sit adjacent across
from the aisle. And there's all these people in business
wear filling up the car. And they look at him stragely. He
keeps staring at me. Then they look at me and I'm just
looking out the window coz it was really uncomfortable for
a while. The guy behind me.. an older black guy talks to me
and chuckles..'Do you know him?' I looked his way and he
was staring at me in that strange way. So I laugh and
before the guy leaves he says someting like 'crazy
m*therf*cker'. So I keep looking out the window and like
10 minutes later he's still staring at me. I couldn't help
smiling and I looked away out the window. He seemed like a
fool looked harmless but it was strange. It was a halfhour
ride and when the seats were emptying towards the back I
went and sat there and he sat in the seat in front of mine.
A few minutes later after the train leaves he says 'That
was my stop." He turns to me and asks,
"Where do you live?'
"At the last stop."
He rests his elbow against the seat and he says something I
dont remember. Then he says
"kiss me here" offering his cheek to me. I was like.
"Hey I dont know you."
"What do you want to know?"
I didn't say anything. Then he goes
"Can I kiss you..on your cheek?"
"You can kiss my hand."
I dont think he kissed it.
So its like we finally got there and everyone was pouring
out and he walked next to me and there were people staring
some more. And making more snide comments.
He follows me all the way out tot he cars and I say
"Well this is it. Look you have to go ok....I gave you my
number you can call me."
I think he shook my hand ro something.