madly enthused

the colors
2002-10-30 22:30:00 (UTC)

so last night i said some..

so last night i said some really mean things to dave. i
said them in a joking manner which is worse than anything
else since that's about the only thing he's ever been
upfront enough about to let me know bothers him. i knew as
i was writing it (it was an aim conversation) that he'd be
upset but i just kept writing anyways. in fact i said
quite a few different things. once i said the first thing
i just didn't want to stop. i know i'm not comfortable
with the situation and not dealing with it well. i want to
just let it go and take things as they come with him but i
feel myself needed to let him know i'm angry about once a
week. we can never just have a smooth week together. then
i was talking to jake and he wouldn't talk to me about how
he always says really horrible things about himself and as
i was starting to talk to him a little about dave (of
course he didn't know i was talking about dave) he had to
go take care of an escort. he's a safety escort on
campus. so it was like 1145 and dave wouldn't respond to
my many sorrys and jake had to leave and i felt like shit
so i went to sleep. if it weren't for the sleep i get to
forget my problems i wouldn't get any at all. i guess it's
all for the best then that i hurt dave. yes. it's all
rationalized away again. time to go back to being
something i don't want to be until the guilt builds up
again....




Ad: