Zion

World of all Worlds
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2001-08-09 22:10:34 (UTC)

Confused...

I'm so confused about what life is supposed to be like. I'm
very happy in where I am in my life, but also very
confused. I want to have everything, I feel like I have
everything. Except for the one thing that once made me
complete. My friends are very hard to get along with right
now. I love them with all my heart, but times have changed
and I have moved towards a new step. I want them to be
happy for me, instead I feel like I've lost all hope. I
feel as if they are talking about me behind my back and I'm
sure they are. Missa is my best friend and I know that she
feels resentment for everything that has happened. I can't
blame her really, but I can feel bad. I love everything
about them and they don't understand that I want to change
for me. That I am changing for me. Jeff is helping me
through this change and he's very good at being there for
me. He's the first person that I've been with where I don't
feel like he's going to leave me. I guess you can say that
I have to have attention and alot of it to be around
someone or to be with someone anyway. Jeff gives me this in
more ways than one. It's just when he's with me that I feel
safe and he takes me off to this special place you only
hear about in the movies. I love that he makes me feel like
this and I feel so happy to be with him. I do miss my
friends though. I think about them everyday in everything
that I do. I miss dancing at the clubs, but I feel like I
can't go there without drinking and having the same time I
had before. I feel more in control of my life now without
alcohol and I am happier than I've been in a long time. No
drama in my life like there used to be. I don't have to
please everyone to make everyone happy. I can be who I want
to be. Work is so confusing right now...I want to take a
management position but I'm so scared. I talk to my boss
next week and it's going to be a hard decision. I think
that I could do it, but it's unpredictable and that worries
me a little bit. I need to live with it though. I'm going
to be starting school back up in about 3 weeks. How
exciting huh? NOT!!! I want to do good so I can do what
I'ce always tried to achieve...a chance at the life I've
always dreamed about. To all of my friends, I love you and
I do miss you with all my heart and soul.


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