My Psychotic Ramblings
I don't know where to start to-day. My thoughts seem
scattered. My thoughts are racing, but I can't make a
single sense of any of them all. I feel like crying. I
felt real nauseous, but then I threw up my Fresca and now
my stomach doesn't seem to be in knots.
Betsy, a faciltator from group is coming over in a bit to
catch me up on group. I don't think I'm nervous about
that, but I'm nervous all right. More like scared. I am
frightened, by my thoughts, by myself. I fear I will do
something bad again and mess up relationships, or mess up
my life completely.
I feel like I have so much to do, but I don't know what,
besides write in my little notebook, take care of the pets,
take Klonopin, meet with Betsy, eat something so I can
drink fish fat (ugh), read my new books (5 new field
guides), and I'll need to fold clothes later.
My Beau came over last night. It didn't go too awfully bad,
but it didn't go great. He wanted to have sex, I did not.
For one, because I was hurting. I told him about Charlie,
the little man who lives inside of hand. Charlie tells me
what I can and cannot do. For two, Charlie told me I
cannot have sex that day. I think my Beau was a little
bit, or maybe a lot upset, or maybe disgusted about
Charlie. He told me to ignore Charlie. Charlie isn't one
to be ignore. He will reek havoc on my life and my world
if I don't listen to him. Maybe I can reason with him, or
maybe I'll have to cut off my hand to get rid of him for
good. But I think I can talk to Charlie about how I feel.
Tell him I don't need someone to tell me I can and cannot
do. Tell him he can hang out and I'll be his friend still,
but I don't want any rules. I don't know if that'll work
though. I think only the alternative will. We'll see.
So, I slept a lot when my Beau was here. I think that's
kinda rude, but I was soo tired. I don't think I could
have stayed awake had I really tried. So, we watched a
little TV when he first got here. I got tired of TV and
went up to my room and slept. About 20 mins my Beau came
up to my room and laid with me to keep me calm when I was
freaking on it my sleep. He pulled me ontop of him (my
favourite position) and started kissing me. I think all I
did was try to suck on his tongue..heh..I like to suck on
something..like a thumb..when I sleep. It helps keep me
calm. It works at first, but then I move or something and
I no longer have something in my mouth and I get scared
Those bad guys, the bastards. I've got to quit letting
them rule my life. I don't know how to not think of them.
It's like I automatically think of them in my sleep and
they are trying to hurt me. How do I stop seeing them?
How do I make them go away? I'm tired of them upsetting
and hurting me.
I went to see my shrink yetesterday. I was to go 07.Nov,
but my case manager called me and said I could come in at
14:15 Tuesday. I talked to the Shrink about almost all
that was bothering me. I don't feel that he handled things
properly, though. He put me BACK on Luvox, which I was
talk for a few months around April. I went off it because
it was causing constipation. I tried some over-the-counter
meds to help with it, but it hardly helped. I can't stand
to have shit inside me. That is nasty. I feel fat and
ugly. So I quit taking the Luvox, and here I am back at
square one. He took me off Celexa, which I wanted so
badly. YAY. In a week I'll be completely off that crap
that didn't seem to help me at all. I plan to get off the
Celexa, and never starting taking the Luvox. But I'll take
it if my OCD or Depression get too bad. BLAH. He wouldn't
increase my Adderall because I'm already having a mega
problem with anxiety, and Adderall is a stimulant. I'm
also having ADD probs...what oh well. That doesn't seem to
be important to the Shrink. Then he took me off XanaX and
put me on Klonopin. I'm supposed to take .5mg of Klonopin
3x/day. I took 1.5mg last night and something so
wonderfully great happened. I slept for 6.5 STRAIGHT.
First tyme this decade, probably. I don't, however, feel
very rested. I'm a little bit tired, but not too awfully
much. It's tolerable I think. I think that's it for the
meds. I'm taking
Lithium (450mg 2x/day)
Neurontin (900mg 2x/day)
Klonopin (.5mg 2x/day, 1.5mg before bed)
Geodon (60mg 2x/day
Can that be right...Just four meds? That's awesome. A
dream come true. Coming from 8 meds to 4. Wow. Just
gotta get rid of that Geodon now, and get that Adderall
increased. Then I'll be SET.