jtdarkly

Mirror's Infinity
2001-01-28 02:04:02 (UTC)

Well, today it should be..

Well, today it should be interesting. I am writting today
in a somewhat emotional state. I feel the decision I
thought would be far off...maybe coming closer. I am sad.
Why am I sad? Well, I went out last night...Drew came with
me and some friends. He didn't dance with me. He wouldn't
dance with me. He said it made him feel uncomfortable. We
used to dance together.. and he used to dance before we
started dating.. so now we have been dating for 2 years..
and he is uncomfortable dancing with me..he doesn't want to
dance with me. I know a sort of silly reason...but it was
important to me. I not only wanted him to go out.. I
wanted him to have fun with me. I don't think he can. He
had some fun but he stood around the whole night being
quiet...wouldn't dance with me.. and sometimes looked like
he was bored to tears. I tell him " we don't have anything
in common... we don't have fun together " and he won't
admit it. I don't know why he wont.. why he wont try to
help or give up. I am about ready too. So he left about
5:30pm (its now almost 9pm) he left to have coffee with his
friend. I am not sure I believe it.. See Drew...will lie
to me on little stuff...so I believe he will on big stuff.
He may not be... I don't know.. maybe he is lieing to
himself about why he and I stay together. It certainly is
easier than trying to untangle our lives. To go through
the process of seperating our stuff...filing away the
memories... moving out.. learning to not rely on each other
and be there for each other.. or in some cases how to fail
each other and not be there. We can't seem to do anything
together.. to have fun together.. and I am beginning to
think I need to spread my wings again and suffer the pangs
of being alone and the titilation of pursueing and
sometimes getting rejected by love. I don't want to leave
him. I don't want to hurt him. But maybe it is best for
us both to pull back.. to realize why we are together.. and
maybe to grow as individuals. I think that would be really
good for him.. to have to clean up and cook and handle all
the little stuff he sort of neglects now.. to do it on his
own for the first time in his life. He might grow. Can I
handle it though? I don't know. I remember the
isolation...the loneliness that has driven me before. I
don't want to be there again. Not when so many elements of
my life aren't what I want them to be.
I mean I look at how I have been feeling and acting.. and
I think... this isn't you. I guess I should say what I am
refering to.. hmm.. maybe two weeks ago.. I went out with
some friends for a friends birthday. Got drunk... and 3 of
us for some reason decided we were gonna watch a porno
(gay) of course. The warning bells went off.. I ignored
them. Eventually, one guy was naked.. openly rubbing
himself... Next... me and my other friend are holding
hands.. then rubbing... and geesh I don't want to be that
way. He is nice enough.. and I have freely told him before
if I wasn't involved I would date him.. of course I say
that to all my friends. I mean who better to date then a
friend right? I know you might think "no you shouldn't
cause then you risk the friendship" nah.. I think that can
happen and not risk the friendship and might be something
even better later. And if the friendship can't survive
it..hmm what was it based on really? So anyways.. I
screwed up.. No excuses about alcohol... or anything like
that. Although it was a factor....it was an enabler.. but
I chose it to be. I told Drew like I did the last
time "screwed up". I don't like doing that... I want to be
more than that in relationship. But I am human...and make
poor decisions. But actually that happened at a time when
our relationship had a mild downward turn. But I can't go
off and screw around everytime that happens. At least I
should have enough integrity to end one before I start
another. But I am new at this. I mean I dated in high-
school.. but that was when I was trying to do my duty and
date girls. Now, I actually want and am extremely
interested in the parties I pursue. I lack discipline.
Always have. Anyways.... I don't feel better.. but I don't
want to write anymore... I have to decide if I am going
out... and if I am...if I am drowning my sorrows in the
scene. It never helps.. well not for long but it is fun
for an instant.