i'll tell you later

a bunch of babble

here's a bunch of babble i wrote last night to vent a
little . . . . it prolly is moslt nonsence . but ya
know . . .

i don't feel like telling the story again - way to much to
tpe so i'll just talk about how chix sux ;-) chix sux - i
never used to let chix bother me - i mean - yeah i'd get
annoyed or saddened and i'm sure actually i know that the
people with whom i talked about chix with thought i was
letting things get to me and i was getting worked up about
things and whatever - that was all just superficial BS - i
knew it all ment nothing but if i say that when i'm talking
about it they wern't going to actually care about what i'm
saying - and i know they didn't anyway - but if i make
things out to mean something to me then i'll get a responce
and maybe some shitty advice that i'm not going to listen
to anyway when what i am really wanting to know is how they
reacted to things to know more about them - ppl are dumb
and won't answer things str8 a lot of the time so its ezer
2 lern about ppl through their reactions to other
situations - someintes - as with anything you can only take
that info so far - but it is usefull anyway - that was ll
then - now this sux - when somethign happennss it actually
effects me - i care - only with this one girl though - OMG
she is so wonderful - she is the person to whom i am
closest - she comes before all else - a lot of the tie she
comes before my family in my priorities . . . .which
bothers me at times - but my parents have said to me - you
have your life and we have ours - so - i suppose they
understand - stil its different sometimes - we'll sit and
just sit and talk abot whatever comes to mind - sometimes
it is just little trivial things and sometimes we get into
huge discussions - we both rarely give in so theycan go on
for a while they are fun - lately we've been having a few
communication problems - i have become increadibly vague
over the past year - i suppose this is a side effect of not
actually caring about mostly anything that happens to me
anymore - i feel as though i am watching mylife unfold and
i habe no control over the events as they take place - at
times i am apathetic to the extent that i'll jsut sit and
do nothing - not often but at times - urgh my iced tea is
so far away . . . . . . . . . . . . .ok thats better -
anyway - i'm so vague and she is increadibly specific - i
think moreso thanbefore - (damn Mechanical Engeering
classes) the more i push out of me and not care about the
more space there is for her to take up - it is getting to a
point where i am feeling uncomfortale even thinking of her
not being inmylife - i dunno - maye ive never actually had
a real friend before - i can honestly say that (and this
isn't just a recent thing - i've noticed this for a while
now - 5 6 years maybe) that if anone of my peers was
suddennly in some sort of freak accident and - died (yeah
kinda morbid whatever) i would be fine - - i wouldn't be
really bothered - when my grandfather died that sucked -
moastlybecasue of the guilt i felt for not having been as
close as we once were even though he lived with us - that
really sucked and the fact that i didn't say i love you to
him in the hospidal - when i knew it was probably going to
be the last time i ever saw him --------------- eah that
still gets to me - ANYWAY - think think what was i saing
i can't see the screen so hang on a sec . . . . . . oh
apthy - real friends - ok - i can't say i'd really be
affected - i mean i don't ever really miss people - like
ever - when i was little and went off to live with my
grandmother for the summer (and actually it was only during
the weekdays) I missed my parents SO much it was really
bad - i used to cry and everything - i suppose maybe i
turned off that emotion - becasue i don't miss people i
cou;dn't care less if i ever see anyone that i know ever
again - except this girl - this sounds really bad - this
sounds like i am verging o obsession here - maybe i am -
maybe thats my problem maybe i have built up this whole
fantic world of emotion around this girl (who only ever
talks about us in the vaguest of terms becsue she can't
expressherself - so whatever she says is left open for
interperitation - its ironic i suppose she is the one who
has to be so specific yet since she can't express herself
she becomes increadibly vague and open for interpritation -
maybe every guy she hangs out with she does all ths same
stuff to and i'm one of the only who can put up with it -
ok now i am jsut thinking crazyness - but how do i know i
have nothing concrete to base anything about what she
thinks of me/us/etc . . . . thats a lie - from what she
says i know she aparentlly tells me everything - she tells
me more than she tells anyone - and oddly enough its always
been that wa - except for the time when we wern't talking
for abot 7 mnths or so . . . .but i rememer clearly us
sitting in my car and her telling me some very personal
stuff way back when and then she said shes not sure why she
was telling me all that but it just seemed like the right
thing to do - i don't feel liek talking about our history
though becsue then it leads up to the navy jerk and it
really hurts to even think about this kid even in passing -
i know he is going to hurt her - he already has - but since
he is such a jerk and doesn't want to lose his sex outlet
at this school which is mostly guys hes got to keep thing
together . . . . rrrrrrrrrrrr but yeah i don't want to talk
about that - tere's other stuff about her that i've been
thinking lately but it is stuff i cna't write about - it is
something that i can't write about untill i hae more
information - becasue the 2 or 3 things i have to go on are
all completly random events . . . .IM interupution - ok
it's 6am now it was like 4 before i'm goin to
sleep . . . . .