neo khaos

born in the year of the bitch
2001-08-09 16:08:39 (UTC)

i have often kept it chained close..

never considered, never forgotten..

it lies next to me in my bed and often strokes my face as i
sleep, with one loving but icy finger, thrilling my flesh
with goosebumps as i slumber, caressing the dark edge of my

never allowed to stray far, it heels patiently at my knee
and gazes raptly into my face, waiting for me to
acknowledge it, silently imploring, knowing i can not
ignore it forever..

preoccupied, i promise it consideration another time, too
distracted i am to give it the time it deserves, but time
goes on and it lingers implacably by my side, a guilty itch
in the back of my mind, an irritating responsibility..

reaching trailing fingers deep into my life, wrapping
intricately into it, grasping it tightly in a complex
embrace to disguise the fact that it is slowly, inevitably
strangling me to death..

i live with it in every moment, i dismiss it constantly
only to find it again waiting for me with commanding eyes..

but you don't know, do you? you don't know where i've been,
what i've done.. you were never there in the dark to hear
what my restless lips muttered from the black horrors of
sleep.. you never looked in time to see the shadow of
remorse which ghosted gently over my features at the
simplest of reminders.. you took the softening of tears in
my eyes for compassion and never knew the shock-blasted
creature careening in blind terror behind my brave smile..

you hear only what i tell you, and you trust me to tell the

no, you really don't know me very well, do you?

you don't know my past.. but i'm showing it to you now, do
you see why i have kept it from you? yes, it is rather
ugly, i suppose.. but i have grown to love it a little.

it has tried to be gentle with me.. it can't help what it

see, now, how i cradle it so tenderly in my arms, now that
i have taken its collar off and allowed it into my lap..
see, how it luxuriates in the attention, sprawling out to
display its mangy torn hide in its entirety..

would you like to touch it, my past? come closer.. it won't
bite.. unless you let it..

perhaps you might like to hold it for a moment? cuddle it
close to your heart, for that is the only place it can
survive.. yes, support it with both hands, don't drop it..
don't worry, it only growls because it knows no other

yes, touch it, my past.. touch it if you're not too afraid..