ruefulformelancholy

life is just a poker game
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2001-08-09 15:42:52 (UTC)

really should say

the thing that pisses me off most about this whole thing is
that last week he said he wanted to go out to dinner with
me this week. but has he? no. and is he going to? most
likely the fuck not. if i do see him at all it's for 5
minutes after he gets home from work, and then he goes out.
he says that this is revenge for the times i ignored him.
well, when i did my thing instead of sitting on the couch
smoking pot, i did it because i didn't really like sitting
on the couch smoking pot. not as a way of ignoring him. but
because it bored me. besides, revenge is a really GREAT way
to salvage a friendship, don't you think?

fuck this shit. i am so close to really entertaining
thoughts of killing myself it's not even funny. he was my
LIFE for five years. and now i'm just shit to him. and i
know it's stupid to kill yourself over a dude, yada yada,
but i feel like he stole 5 years of my life from me. i
never developed relationships in college because i was
living with him and he didn't want me to. i didn't really
hang out with anyone so far in grad school because he'd
always get jealous. and so now that we've broken up, he's
developed this nice little network of friends at work that
he sees at work (waiting tables), and then spends the
nights with them as well. and i don't have shit. and my
work sucks, i'm not accomplishing anything. my family is so
far away. and i'm going to be terribly lonely. yeah, i'm
better off dead.


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