Jennifer

Exposed
2002-10-29 23:57:36 (UTC)

Love is a funny thing...

I was so young when I first thought that I had fallen in love
with someone. 7th grade year I was 13 years old I dressed
really funny and never did my hair I had one class with him
His name is Lanston...he was a prep he had blonde hair and brown
eyes but he was nice to everyone and funny. I realized how I felt
just before the end of the year I remember on the last day
watching the Natalie Imbruglia video "Torn" I remember
glancing at him while it was on right before the bell rang
and I knew I probably wouldn't see him until a year later
when I got to high school. Eighth grade year one un-
suspecting day in P.E. we were heading out to the track and
he was standing at the weight room doors in this shirt and
these athletic shorts waiting to enter and I heard a "hey
Jenny!" and I looked over shocked to see him and I couldn't
bring myself to do anything else except wave. Evertime I
ever ran into him and he said "Hi!" I always got so tongue
tied. 10th grade year I went into home schooling and
decided to write him notes as many as I wrote he only
responded to one which I still have. God I look back on
that and can't believe I did that. I mean they weren't love
notes but out of the blue writing him must have given away
that I had some feelings for him. *Blush* My 11th grade
year I actually was able to form a complete sentence in
his presence it was the day I checked out of BC to go to
OHS which are two schools that have a lot of conflict . By some
strange twist of fate I ran into him right before I left and I said
I wanted to tell him bye because I was going to another school and
he said "Where Jenny?" and I said OHS and he gave me this
puzzled look and walked away from me without another word.
I hope he doesn't hate me. I haven't seen him in over a
year I regret not seeing him his senior year. I was hoping
these feelings would go away but they are still here even
though its been almost five years since I realized how I
felt about him. Some would argue that I am too young to
know what real love feels like...They are wrong. It hurts
that you can feel so deeply for someone and not have them
feel it for you and I have tried to make it go away but
love has its own agenda you can't make it go away no matter
how hard you try. I never thought I would fall for a prep -
I almost feel bad calling him a prep because that term is
usually viewed so negatively but he made that word seem
better- in a million years but he truly was so different he
was nice to everyone and everytime he saw me he
acknowledged me. He played football and is dating someone
that still goes to my school who is a Junior she is very
pretty. I think its true what they say about once you've
loved someone that they always hold a piece of your heart.
I sometimes think that no matter how many people I will
love in my lifetime, no one will ever some close to the
intensity I felt for my first love. I hope he is happy
though and that life is kind to him. I wish him all the joy
in the world. For so long he consumed so many of my
thoughts. Its all slowly beginning to slip away I don't
feel it as much I guess his absence from my everyday life
is helping me heal. Its the best thing for me. Its just
strange how someone can captivate you without even trying.
My goal is to heal and focus else where I think I just
needed to write this as a sense of some closure but I will
feel better once I can say goodbye and know he doesn't hate
me then and only then will closure be more prominent. Then
again...truth be known, I don't ever want closure this subject is
one of the few that makes me feel anything. I do ,however, want it
not to hurt this much.




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