Dookie

Mind of a Wierdo
2001-08-09 08:45:23 (UTC)

JUST WANT TO DIE!!!!!!

FRUSTRATION IS GOIN TO TAKE OVER AND IT WILL END MY OWN
FREE WILL AND MY SPEECH PRIVILEGES CAUSE WHEN YOU ARE DEAD
YOU HAVE NEITHER ONE OF THOSE FUCKING THINGS TO LIVE
FOR!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO MAKE UP FOR TWO DAYS NOW. TUESDAY AND
WEDNESDAY. HERE I AM FUCKING 1:20 THURSDAY MORNING FUCKING
FRUSTRATED WHICH IS MAKING ME PISSED.~~~~~~ TUESDAY I WAS
HOME BORED AS HELL. PHONE CALLS ALL FUCKING MORNING. AROUND
4:30 I GET A CALL FROM CHRIS. O MY GOSH HE IS HOME.
HAPPINESS. I MET HIM DOWN AT THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND HE
SAT WITH ME ON THE SWINGS. O JOY! (SARCASM IS GETTIN THE
BEST OF ME) SO WE START TALKING AND SHIT. FUN. THEN I GO
HOME AN HOUR LATE ... NO FUCKING BIGGIE. THEN CHRIS CALLS
ME LATER AT NIGHT. A SO-SO CONVERSATION. FIRST HE IS GETTIN
MAD CUS HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY BORING FUCKING
LIFE. SO I SAY I AM GOIN TO STOP FROM NOW ON AND NEVER
MENTION A WORD ABOUT HOW FUCKED MY LIFE IS. SO HE GETS EVEN
MORE MAD. SO HE APOLOGIZES. CHANGED THE SUBJECT THEN I GET
ALL FUCKING PISSED ... (DONT REMEMBER WHY) ... THEN WE END
THE DAMN CONVERSATION HAPPY. ~~~~~~~~~~ WEDNESDAY. SO CHRIS
IS DYING TO HANGOUT WITH VI. BUT DITCHES HER SO I GET STUCK
WITH HER. NO BIGGIE JUST INVITE MORE FRIENDS. SO THAT IS
WHAT I DO. GO TO THE MALL HANGOUT HAVE FUN. OF COURSE SHE
THOUGHT SHE COULD TRY AND BE ME AND KITTY SO SHE PUTS ON
SOME FUNKY ASS LOOKING MAKEUP AND WE DONT CARE MUCH CUS SHE
WAS MAINLY WITH MICHELLE AND DARIA. OF COURSE WE WERE TOO
BUT KITTY JUST TRIED TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM HER AS
POSSIBLE. I JUST DIDNT GIVE A FLYING FUCK. I WAS WITH
FRIENDS MAY AS WELL MAKE THE MOST OF IT. SO WE DO. I TAKE
HOME DARIA, MICHELLE AND VI. GO OUT TO A RESTUARANT WITH MY
FAMILY BECAUSE IT WAS MY GRANDFATHERS BIRTHDAY. I HAD ONE
CORONA WITH DINNER. WISH I HAD MORE SO THEY WOULD HAVE HAD
TO FUCKING PUMP MY STOMACH. (WELL DIDN'T WISH THAT TILL
NOW) BUT I GOT HOME ROUND 9:30. AROUND 10:45 I GET A CALL
FROM CHRIS. O HAPPY DAY. HAVEN'T SEEN HIM ALL DAY HAVEN'T
HEARD FROM HIM AND AT 10:30 I WAS ABOUT TO SAY SCREW IT I
AM FUCKING TIRED. BUT I WAITED. I WAITED FOR A CONVERSATION
THAT GOT ME THIS FUCKING WAY. I MEAN I LOVE HIM TO DEATH
AND I LOVE FOR CHRIS TO SHARE HIS FEELINGS WITH ME. BUT I
CANT RESPOND BACK BADLY CUS THEN HE WILL GET ALL IN THE
MOOD OF 'I DONT FEEL LIKE SHARING WITH YOU ANYMORE' AND
THAT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. THERE IS SO MUCH GETTIN ON MY
DAMN NERVES AND GETTING ME FUCKING FRUSTRATED THAT I DONT
WANT TO FUCKING LIVE ANYMORE. THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD
THAT I WOULD EVER DO (SO I PROMISED CHRIS) WOULD BE TO KILL
MYSELF. NOW I JUST DONT KNO. HE LOVES HER....... HE NEEDS
HER........... THEY WERE MEANT TO BE. WHERE THE FUCK DID I
COME FROM! SHIT GODDAMN FUCK ........ I AM SO PISSED AND
FRUSTRATED I AM GOIN TO FUCKIN CRY. I AM GETTIN TOOO FUCKIN
SOFT. BITCH!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS ONE ENTRY I NEVER WANT CHRIS
TO READ. NOT LIKE HE EVER WILL ANYWAYS. BUT IF HE DOES I
KNO HE IS GOIN TO LOOK AT IT DIFFERENTLY. ~~~~~~~~~~~~
(changed mood)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He has changed. He isnt the
same. ever since he came back he is different to look at
.......... to talk to. I am losing everyone. I lost my
only sister ... I lost my lil brother ...... I lost all
those happy memories I ever shared with them because they
are too painful to look back at. I lost my family. And I
lost my life. And I am eventually goin to lose Chris. The
only thing in my life that I can say I am happy for. The
only right decision I made. I lost my childhood. I am 16
and I lost my teen years. I lost my self confidence. I am
gaining low self esteem. I put myself down. I dont want to
live anymore. I want a new life. I want my family back. I
cry every night when I think about my life. And I cry all
day because I am not happy. I just dont show it. I am
losing everything. I am goin to loose the most important
life changing thing in my life ....CHRIS.... because he
showed me everything ...... he made me realize ....... but
I have to accept everything because there is nothing that I
can do. And I hate myself for every reason. I lost myself
........ and I will never get on that right path again
because now I am stuck with all my feelings ...... Chris is
gettin tired of hearing it and I am not goin to force him
to listen ............ what is happening?




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