kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2002-10-29 08:05:11 (UTC)

I want to do something drastic

I don't know what is wrong with me today. I have been on
the emotional rollercoaster. I was fine this morning, but
things have gone down hill. I felt like crying this
afternoon. Out of nowhere I was down in the dumps. I
felt very depressed. Then I talked to Dave online and he
was depressed too. It made me really want to cry. I
nearly busted out in tears because I felt like the whole
world was depressed.

I know Dave is not the whole world, but sometimes it feels
like he is my whole world. Talking to him really
brightens up my day. I can't describe how good it feels
to simply know he is online. He can be busy doing work
and have no time to talk to me, but it does not matter. I
just feel better knowing that he is online. It could be
the worst day in the world, but it would improve a ton if
he is online.

I don't know if it is healthy to feel that deeply about a
person who is not my boyfriend. I have decided I really
don't love Dave as more than a friend. I just care for
him on a deeper level than any of my other friends besides
Mina. Dave has become my closest friend in the past
year. He knows more about me than most people do. He
knows my quirks and fetishes. He knows I am into bondage
and knows I find some naked women attractive. Not many
people know that except the few who read this diary.

I have only given the address of my diary to one person
and Pierre in return gave me the link to his. His is
probably more exciting than mine, but it's all good.

I got very upset at Mandy today. She said something that
I wanted to hurt her for. I would have no right to have
been jealous though. Dave is not mine nor will he ever
be. I don't know why I got so fucking mad inside about
what she said.

She said that if she didn't think that she liked her guy
so much that she would leave him for Dave in an instant.
That is not such a bad comment. Then she said she was not
in love with her guy. That makes her more likely to leave
him and go for Dave. That pissed me off inside.

The emotions were strong. It boils down to if I can't
have him then she can't have him. I know he likes me and
thinks I am a great and wonderful person. I even think
that if John and I were not together that Dave and I would
date. I have no clue if it would work or not. A small
part of me does not want to know because he and I are such
good friends.

I so wanted to send him the lips emoticon today. He was
being so nice and was worried about me when I said I felt
like crying. I refrained and simply returned the hug
one. He did send me the heart emoticon. That nearly made
me want to cry happy tears.

I did cry a bit. Not much though, just kind of a sniffle
on my way to class tonight. Part of it could have been
the cold wind making my nose run. I do not know.

I think I might have talked Dave into coming over here the
weekend after this coming one. I want to watch Kevin
Smith movies and he has Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
Mandy has not seen Clerks so I have the one up on her.
Why I want to be nice and let her see it I don't know.

I want to be her friend and like kinda buddy buddying up
with her, but I don't like her crush on Dave. If she were
simply interested in him in a friendly way only then it
would be great.

I don't want to sit there and watch them flirt all night.
John has talked about coming over that weekend. It's a
three day weekend. I want him to come, but I don't really
want him around when we watch movies. I just want a
chance to fight back against Mandy. That won't happen any
time soon though. I want to cuddle with him right now.
Only in a friend way so far. All I can hope for now is
that Mandy's man is there too. He needs to come watch the
movies with us. If he does then she won't flirt with Dave
as much.

I have so many emotions going on in my head and heart
right now. I want the chance to spend some quality time
with Dave. I didn't do much the two times we've spent a
quantity of time together. I want to just hang out with
him and see how I feel. If I feel something extra like
the last time he was here then I'll know I have a problem.

I don't want to ruin things, but if my heart is going out
to the wrong guy I need to know. I need to know if I am
making a big mistake. What if I am settling for John?
What if I am supposed to be with Dave or even someone else?

I am so confused again. I thought maybe I was over the
mixed feelings, but they have come back. All through this
I haven't doubted my love for John much. I do think I am
in love with him. I guess the question is what if it's
not a forever love?

I have a little fantasy that plays out in my mind now and
then. It's one where Dave and I have a thing on the side
of me dating John. I know it would never happen and it is
SO wrong, but it sounds exciting.

I started a poem today it's kinda for Dave...

I don't know if any of my poetry is any good, but I like
to think it's at least ok. Here goes...

You make me want to cry
You make me want to die
You make me want to fuck myself tonight

You make me want to scream
You make me want to dream
You make me want to cream my panties right now

You don't know what you do to me
When I see you I want to run and flee
I show you a side that no one sees

I want to suck your dick
My pussy I want you to lick
My emotions make me sick

Today I cried for you
I wonder if you'll knew
I hate the morning dew
It makes me think of you
I'll make you a big stew
I'll worship your left shoe
If only you really knew

I want to hold your hand
To romp in the white sand
It really could be grand

I want to throw a fit
Instead I'll take a shit
So on the pot I sit

That's as far as I got with it. I know it's a little off
the wall and out there, but I had a lot of emotions to get
out. I had a lot of things I was thinking.

I am still thinking a lot of things. I am supposed to be
working on a website, a painting and some thumbnails for a
cafe menu. None of which I am working on. I have a plan
to start them at midnight. We'll see what I get done
tonight. I can only do part of the painting since it is
dark outside. I'll do a rough painting of the tree in
front of the building.

The thumbnails I am a third done with. The website I'm
about a third done with too. The thumbnails will take
more time than the website. They are also due first.
Then the painting and then the website last.

I just need something to calm me down emotionally. I feel
like I need Dave here to hug me. I need him to make
things ok. The whole thought that he is what I am
thinking I need right now scares me. It's like he's my
drug that I am addicted to. I can't shake that feeling
from my head and heart.

I want to have Dave tell me it's all ok. That would mean
I have to tell him about my wondering. He'd just come up
with some reason that it's no big deal for me to feel
something for him. I know he has and may still have
feelings for me. I just want to know if I have some real
feelings for him other than being his friend.

I have been over this more than a few times in my diary
already. I just feel that I need to type it out some
more. Maybe it will help me figure things out in my
head. I am suddenly hoping something comes up and either
John or Dave cannot come on that weekend. I don't really
want both of them there. It'll be ok if Shawn comes
though. He can help make this all better for me. He can
keep Mandy at his side and not let her flirt up a storm
with Dave.

What if Dave does come and I suddenly feel sick again, but
run out and puke this time? What if I break down and do
something strange? I can just imagine what a fool I could
make myself look like. I don't think i would have enough
balls to say anything, but what if my body reacts and I
throw up? What if I do manage to say something crazy and
mess things up with both John and Dave?

I don't want to worry about all of this, but it is really
on my mind right now. I think it's because I have so much
due tomorrow that I am channeling my worry and
frustrations into my mental problems. Maybe I simply
think too much.

There are times when I want to kill myself. Right now is
beginning to look like one. I so far am not that
depressed, but I just don't know if things will get worse
before they get better. I feel like doing something
drastic. If that is pulling some great work out of my ass
then it would be wonderful! If that is doing something
crazy then I don't want to know. There is a little demon
inside me or something that comes to me when I feel all
depressed and shit.

They simply aid me in thinking all this dumb shit. I mean
the wanting to do something drastic shit. I fucking hate
this time of the month. If you couldn't already tell I'm
on my period. Today is day 5. I have it to blame for the
bad feelings creeping in, but where the hell did the
feelings for Dave come from? Am I simply hiding them away
from myself or are they something my mind has made up
because I don't want him to be with Mandy?

Mandy has done nothing wrong except like Dave. If she
didn't like him then I would have no problems with her! I
want to hang out with her, but I take the risk of her
pissing me off. I want to do something about it, but I
don't know what to do. How come I get so jealous of her?
Would I be more jealous if she liked John? I don't have
any idea.

I can ramble on and on about what seem to be the most
trivial things. If you've read this far then you are
really interested. I bet most people don't even ready my
diary because they don't have enough time to read a novel
every time I write.

I just have a ton of thoughts running through my head. I
write somethings down every morning in my journal when I
get my morning mocha. I need to hurry up and get a credit
card so I can purchase the darn i-Book I need. Having a
laptop might get me out of the house more. If I could
find a place to plug it in at the library or the art
building I would do it and stay there longer. I could
then still keep in touch with my buddies and hopefully get
more work done!

I just watched a thing on Andrea Yates...the Texas lady
who killed her 5 kids. What struck me about the whole
thing was a preacher that she and her husband wrote back
and forth with. His name is Michael Peter Woroniecki. He
in a way reminds me of David Koresh. I want to find out
more information on him. I don't quite know why I find
people like him so interesting. I have done a bunch of
research on David Koresh. I don't find him to be quite
the cult leader that people have made him out to be. I
find him to be more of a missguided heart. No matter what
he thought or preached I do no think there was any reason
to kill him. Why was he killed? I think it's because he
didn't think like the government at the time. For as open
as they let people be with religion they sure do want to
shut down some religious groups.

I guess I'll get off the soap box I am about to fall off
of anyway.

I'll just hop on a different soap box for a bit. I read
an amazing Backstreet Boys fanfic a bit ago. It was so
amazing about this girl moving in next to Nick and later
falling in love with him, but he doesn't love her back. I
am now reading the story that is supposed to come after
it, but was written before it. It in no way carries on
the deep feelings felt in the first one. The author grew
up and matured in her writing from the first to the second
story. The one she wrote first is no where near as good
and parts contradict the first story. I think it should
have been billed as a whole different story. It just
bugged me a lot.

I guess I'll quit typing nonsense and sign off.