milly

in love with clay
2002-10-29 06:04:51 (UTC)

about my sister and clay

but later on..i look at how i was dressed and it was
t shirt w/ sneakers and minni ottoman pants . i had
just got back from buying art supplies and I also had a backpack but
no bag that a grown woman would have. then i realized he
thought that i was a highschool student. well sometimes
when i buy casual clothes i tend to buy junior section
because i am 5'2 and especially pants.
I have put together my drawings and i am going to send
it in to an artschool. i hope i can make a living at it.
Some of my work has already been on display but I want to
get the education behind it. I've been told I have a
natural talent with expressive art I started drawing
before I could get educated about art. Also my parents
were against me pursuing arts but fuck them...look at me
now. It's all about practice and dedication. For a long
time I have been working on music and composing and on
various forms of dance and literature. I have also been
published twice and the rest of the work I didn't send in.
I want to polish it up.
This is the reason I want to help Clay so much. I want
to give him a chance at doing something he loves and I
know he can be good at it. My parents tried to take my
gifts away but they did not succeed. I rejected them and
went off on my own. I guess in a lot of ways I identify
with him except that his parents are dead and mine are
just cruel and I have no contact with them. It's funny I
got away from my parents and worked hard on my own. I got
married to escape their bullshit. I got sucessful 1-2
years later at age 22-23 I rejected them
entirely..especially my mother who was intent on making
everyone miserable. I have 14 years of happiness in terms
of what I wanted to do and in terms of taking care of
myself and husband. My mother wanted contact with me after
I got very sucessful but I wanted nothing to do with her.
It was too late. Make me miserable my entire life to the
point that I contemplated suicide if there was no way out.
And then I get sucessful and now you want to be my friend. I think
not fickle bitch.
My sister I am completely devoted to. I nurture her and
love her. She is 5 years younger than me and she too is a
very sucessful opera singer as well as mortuary scientist.
I studied criminology, some chemistry,forensics but I
wasn't about to cut up dead bodies.
As far as im concerned she's my family. Even my husband
he's more of a family to me than my parents ever were.
There are people that you love so much in your life. For
me my sister and Clay. And I will always do the best for
them at any cost. If I loved them and they loved me then
we are always a part of each other. My husband i love as a
human being ok I wouldn't want him hurt but still he is
more of family to me than parents. He married me he took
care of me he did things they could not as incompetent
people.
One of the reasons I love Clay so much is because he is
so intelligent. When I write him letters I always put
quotes in there. I guess I am just wanting someone to
nurture in my life and love. I sort of raised my sister
really. (My mother was a terrible. And it's not like she
left or abandoned us. That isnt as bad as actively abusing
or making someone miserable.) I couldn't really do that
for my husband, he seemed indifferent to me after a bit.I
would dress look nice and guess what. He just treated me
like I was wearing sweats. I mean at least kiss me? I'm
very sensual I need affection and now its too late because
I'm in love with someone else. I doubt that he even
notices or cares.
Sure Im pretty and I know he's glad he has a pretty wife
but beyond that. Some of us need love :-/




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