6445bekiM

It smells like poop over here
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2002-10-29 05:10:01 (UTC)

why can t i just turn back..

why can't i just turn back time, and go back 2 months
to make things now, they way they were then. 2 months ago i
didn't drink, 2 months ago, i didn't smoke pot, 2 months
ago i didn't smoke cigarettes...often. things were
different...no, things were the same, now things are
different. "just because nothing's the same doesn't mean
everything's changed" or something like that. i just wanna
go back and be straight edge, S-E-H-C 4 LIFE! for life,
that's what sXe is all a fucking bout. but now, it ain't
shit. yeah, i could stop smoking, i could quit drinking,
and i could give up pot, but nothing would be the same.
everything has changed. no one views me as the person i
once was. they all see me different now. laura and dave do,
they think i've gotten worse and "sad". nick and tom think
it's cool, i don't even know what rich thinks. joe, he
likes it himself. i don't know what to fucking do. i read
in laura's journal that i was "the word of wisdom" in her
group of friends, and she used to look up to me, but now im
just trying to hard to be a hardass. once again, why can't
i just leave???
no matter what i do, something's not going to be
right. i've already changed everyone's perception of
me. "dude, didn't you used to be straight edge?" yeah, but
now im drunk, i've got a cigarette and im gonna smoke out
in a few. i suppose everyone goes through this phase,
maybe? i remember there was this 18 year old chick that
didn't "put that kind of stuff" into her body. some other
girl was like "i was the same way when i was her age" but
now she's like 20 and getting rip roaring fucked up. it's
not like i can keep this a secret. i just don't know what
im supposed to do.
me and rich went to help his sister and her b/f move
their new TV up into their apartment. one, justin is a
fucking whuss and two, even her car smells hot. god i love
her.
i can't decide what to do, continue getting fucked up
and quit when it's time to grow up, or quit now while im
still level headed. fuck them both, im 19 and dying on my
way. i plan to be dead by the time im like 34 anyway. i
suppose ill just keep all these vices in moderation, and
try to straighten myself up. i want to get in
shape...again, and get huge and work on my wrestling.
that's what i should do, concentrate on wrestling.
oh man, i think i might have gotten into state, but
they need a copy of my transcripts fro HFCC, so that might
be the straw that breaks the camels back, cause i ain't
done shit in college. cause im such a fucking idiot that's
gonna be just like his dad.


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