so i Havent written inlike 4 years. I have been busy, I
guess I have at least. work sucks, and its more like torture
then anything else. if i had half a brain I would have save
more money so i wouldnt have to work so late into august.
so joe left tuesday morning. you know i keep forcing myself
not tot think about it. like right now i can feel the tears
in the back of my throat, dying to let it all out. but i
cant. i have to force myslef to move on. liek joe says,
crying doesnt it make it better, plus i keep telling myself
that he is going to come home for my birthday, so that makes
it a little bit better. I just cant help but look at this
summer and wonder where the hell it went. i cant deal with
all of the goodbyes. i think everytime we say goodbye, i
litterally lose a part of myself. I think the only way to
get it back is by spending every minute happy when we are
finally together, married and living on our own. I have
screwed up so much, and have taken for granted so much. but
I think I am finally begnining to see how important and
perfect he is to me. I dont want to push him away anymore,a
dn try to live the life a 18 year old. but i am not the
noraml one. I just happen to have my future husband at my
side right now. there is no point looking around, to see if
he is the one for me. I know in my heart he is. and i know
we are going to get through the next three years, with
obstacles of course, i am not blind to that fact. But we are
going to get through it. i know we will.
so soon I am going to back in scranton pa, with my lovely
friends, who i secretly cant stand, and living my boring ass
life. i do have fun, adn there are times that i am happy
there, but other times, i dont know what I am doing there.
with everything happening last semester, and my fear of
gaining weight, i dont want to drink. its not that i dont
wnat to have a good time, its just that i dont wana get
myself into trouble, or gain unnecessary weight. I dont
know. school is tough. sometimes I think i can be myself.
other times i dont think i can. meg is a pain in the ass,
and jess is , well she is jess. I dont know what I am going
to do. sometimes i just wish that i could go to delaware, I
would feel so much better there. and i could be with joseph.
that is when I think i would be completely happy. god, i
love him so much. he is just such a good person, honestly,
sometimes I think he is too good for me. he just makes me so
happy. sure, he has his faults, but so do i. i just wish
everyone would see the person that I do. then maybe they
would all understand. im jsut so worried, so worried that he
is going to find something better. i hate the feeling i get
in the pit of my stomach when I even think about it. i just
wish we could skip these years and just be together. i just
wish he wouldknow how much i truly do love him.
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