Endless abyss of nonsense and sorrows
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2002-10-29 00:14:45 (UTC)

Oct 28 dont judge me... please

I was stressed beyond belief
the previous night's experiences plus a few other
stressfull things
all were weighing hevily on me
i had to do something

i went into the bathroom and turned on the shower
i then preceded to undress and get in to take a shower.
i took my shower, washed my hair.. all that...
but then..
i just plugged the drain
and layed down
propping my feet up on the wall
it was relaxing
to feel the beads of water hitting me
to watch the streams of water
run down my leg
in neat little patterns
i could feel the water rising
i just thought about everything
i mean everything
that was going on in my life
did that ever cross my mind?
i just layed there
the beads of water splashing off my stomach
and causing me to flutter my eyes
as they struck me
making me blink
i watched the puddle form where most peoples stomaches are
im getting so skinny
i should probably start eating again
the water is rising further
the sounds of AFI - Morningstar
start to fade away
and im suddenly surrounded
by the sound of rushing water
and the pitter patter of water
against water
my body is going numb where the water hits it
when something htis you repeatedly
you quit feeling things in that area
its like that
the hot water heater cuts out
and im suddenly showered with freezing water
but i dont care
i dont move
i just twitch at the sudden change...
the water rises even higher
the ceiling of the bathroom becomes a blur
with hair occasionally drifting around my sight
as i stare through the water at the outside world
i slowly close my eyes
and just...
dont think anymore
minutes go by
my lungs start to hurt
but i dont think anything
after a while
I scream
out of madness
or of sadness
i have no clue
it may have been from sheer pity
upon my pitiful self.
i lay there more...
no breath left.
i suddenly feel fear clutching my heart
i could drown if i dont get up
but something is keeping me down
like little deamons strapping me down
not lettimg me get up
my eyes snap open and i see blood
mixed with the water
and almost give up trying...
but sudden flashes of the couple friends i have
go through my mind
and what i precieved to be Jesus..
offering his hand to me
i closed my eyes and jerked up
i was above the water
i could feel the shower beating on my head
and i sat and cried
i realized after a while that the bathtub
was nearly overflowing
just centemeters away
and i stand up to see blood streaming from my ears
i was never very good with pressure
that scream didnt help much.
I emptied the tub
and dried myself.
i dressed myself slower than usual
and just... collapsed on my bed
it was my friends..
and a loving Lord
that kept me alive
i dont think i could have pulled myself out of the water
if it werent for those reasons.
im so weak
and i scare myself